A Lampstand

I can hear the crashing of the seashores waves upon and empty sandbank with the night sky luminous radiant and full of stars. There are no people...only sand dust outnumbered upon the shore. The night sky full of bright shiny speckled colors. The moon resting upon the seashore. And there is a lighthouse in the distance like a lampstand shining in her place and to my left, firepits waiting to be lit. I ask myself, where have all the people gone. Can anybody hear me? And yet still, a small voice in the quiet distance. I lift my head up and I see a shiny bright ray in its beauty perfectly aligned. Can anybody hear me? Oh how much I have lost and how many tears I have cried. Like oceans collecting like dust. And, somehow waging war in the heavenly above. I can hear footsteps. Oh how I long to feel your arms around my shoulders. though I feel so alone and your wind brushes upon my back and my chest. Oh how I loved thee and lost thee but I will find you once more in a quiet still small space where darkness has yet still light to shine forever more in a place where the sun rises and there is no night or day. I reach my arm far across the distance and I find you. To my right a light flickering flame I once new familiar calling my name and I escape the loneliness and the empty cold space and my eyes follow you and catch you. I thought I had lost you and yet I find you again and I realize I had never lost you. I look to my left and there are my footprints and the sand pushes up under my feet and a cold oceans water rushes between my toes and feet and yet you have failed to pull me under. My foundation strong and standing firm and I reach out my hand and I find a flame, one flame and I pull it up towards my chest. Once again your beauty awakens my soul in this darkness and I try to let go of all of my anger and pain and those wars above my head and below my feet waging war against an enemy. I wear a sheer transparent cloak all the beauty covering me from top to bottom and my weakness so heavy and many and as though a voice, many voices, calling out from the sky saying here I am, look at me. The sky acquired a new star...I've been looking for you and there you are. How far you have walked, many miles, many mountains and there is no distance you can go apart from me. Where will you not understand and comprehend with me that I have never left you, not once. Though you have tried pushing me away I was still right there with you. Do you think, I am so weak that I would have just left you? I haven't left you not even for a moment.

Nothing but a dream

Oh beautiful for spacious skies and a dream lingering somewhere behind an invisible veil. A nation under a banner of love and a people of every culture. A faded red, white, and blue dripping with gold and pain. A clash of cultures and an identity crisis worn on her sleeve. A land struggling to live up to her name. Her beauty and grace showed me no kindness...did I ever really know you? You found me thirsty and walked on by, crushed my spirit and my sympathy bleeds thin. But you won't see me fall apart after all I have lost and given. Broken promises reaching the sky but we are one people, one nation, and why was I even born?

The Truth...you can't handle!

Keep in mind, I'm trying out a new style of writing and if you laugh uncontrollably, I've accomplished my first goal here: What the heck am I doing here? The sun beamed down onto the trees as several passersby were noticed enjoying the daylight. The glass windows were smudged with small palms and fingerprints. I wonder if the owner noticed that, it was right next to his table. Oh well, he's gone now. What happened to the window cleaner that used to come by? I always believe in doing your best wherever you are but seriously, don't get stuck or distracted cleaning glass or windows...remember the destination. Think GOLD! Wow, there he goes again...the crazy guy ripping out the neighbor's lawn with his personal butcher knife. She'd have a fit if she saw this. Well, he's so far gone he thinks someone hired him to do it. Tough break! Where's your sense of empathy? Sorry, I just don't give a ... I guess it's grown thin over the years. Hi! Anywhere you'd like to sit, I'll be right with you! How are you today? Can I get you something to drink? Maybe an alcoholic beverage to soothe the pain or hot cup of tea that takes forever to prepare when I'm in a rush. Smile. These thoughts. I'll bring you some water. You look thirsty...

My God! Table 29. I don't know what that is...looks like something from a horror film. I must have evolved because I couldn't find much to eat at the store these days and the restaurant food wasn't appetizing. They say, you should listen to your body or maybe it's your gut instinct. I only wanted healthy foods and the more I persisted, the more often I noticed people almost getting offended when I turned down their food offerings almost being shoved in my face. Really, leave me the bleep alone. I really like to choose what I put into my body. Do you mind?

So yeah, everything I touch turns to gold. That's my truth and what I'm permanently writing on the wall of my inner arm. We've got to have goals right? And, a vision...now if I could just stop changing it. I guess when you are always in a state of evolution, that can be difficult but doable. Music keeps me level, one foot in the clouds and the other on the ground. Kind of like the rat-race. One foot in and one foot out. Come on! It makes sense to me, don't judge. I'm starting to understand the need for Fiction stories and the great escape from a not-so beautiful reality. It's all a matter of perspective right? Just focus on the good things and keep it positive. But I'm a realist! I see things as they are. But I'm a visionary! I use my imagination and wisdom when I plan. Oh geez! That was yesterday...

And then it hit me, I had just realized...I did this to myself. I told him I was turning off and suppressing my emotions to prevent the pain from setting in and it did. I guess I didn't know my own strength. Okay, I'm ready to cry now. Could you do me a favor and just cry for me? I'm too selfish now to shed my own tears. A single tear fell from each eye somehow as if a gift fell from the clouds. What a relief...had I really bought into that ideology that the only way to be successful was to be selfish, cold, and clever. Maybe clever yes but how selfish? Ever had a specific goal or focus set and it seemed everything and everyone was in need of your time and attention as if to pull you off track? But this time, it was much easier to cancel my, sure...Monday? Sounds good. Text message: Actually, NO! I can't meet up Monday. I've actually got to be a little stingy with my time right now and stay laser-focused. And, I'm not a dog person btw. I love my freedom. I love and respect myself. I'm not for sale, I'm struggling with thoughts of world domination. Ummm...delete last sentence. Peace! Wow...we still friends?

Which book should I read and finish by tomorrow? Hmmm...I just love my favorite; The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Let's see here. Wtf? I never noticed that. Sometimes, I can only digest so much at once. I'm full. Who is that girl in the mirror? Ok, that's enough. Brutal honesty, one of my weaknesses that I vowed not to work on. Pretty good...I think it was perfect your strengths.

I was stuck in the past for about 30 minutes before I almost got whiplash pulling myself back into the present. Stop giving your time away to things and people that aren't worth it! 7 years and 7 months, twice loved (New book title). The end! That was quick. Yep, you've got to have goals. Check. Endorphin rush, pain perception reduction. On to the next... Extremely successful independent woman fell but only broke one dish, got up dusted herself off and will accomplish every dream on her list. Just thinking ahead... Laugh...it's good for you.

As I Woke

A Debate With Self... ~On matters of Philosophy, let no man understand.~ I grappled within or without...I couldn't be sure. How far I had come nor how many oceans cried but what was for certain this raging howl for freedom. A place far from not only the mundane but somewhere away from the crowding of voices, information explosions, and slave labor. In a land of so-called freedom that wasn't at all free, I wondered how it could be. I saw time as this most precious jewel unseen slipping through hands and my biggest fear; wasting time on meaningless things. How can we cry out for guidance to our dreams and still expect complete control over every aspect of our lives? Why is it the more I learn, the more questions I am left with? Is there no answer to understand a thing? Who am I but a mere spec in the ocean or a matter in the rough? So big yet so small a thing and this war within. Are there any words left that can help me understand? I longed to cry but I couldn't with the sheer fear of losing my own tears. In an age where it wasn't allowed or considered normal to express an emotion. Don't get angry, don't even be sad, smile and be happy or else just pretend. Have we lost all touch with our senses or our grip on reality too busy being phony? The cost of honesty do we dare and who is willing? Self-absorbed with another life, another voice or just another...something. I disdain the absurdity of you trying to write my story for me and so I take the reigns of my own life. Do not look upon me in weakness nor judge me for the light I long to find. But if you could take view of the mirror, you would not see me rest assured. What pain it causes to trade your time for not when for created you are for something more. So many options and so many distractions and all but what we really are. Happiness is not derived from an external source of this or of that but a still internal space and freedom is in the letting go of others expectations. What can I say, As I woke...

Cause and Effect

The rain was coming down heavy and while I dusted off the reverbial effects of last night’s conversation from a former friend, I kicked through the odor of ordinary that surrounded me. I peered into the depths of a brand new paradigm shift and my heart tossed around music notes that reverberated in a magnitude beyond what I could understand or wrap my mind around. The thoughts came with an ebb and flow and the stoic faces bombarded me. And then it happened, a smile shining brightly from within as I pictured my face in the mirror. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs outside in the pouring down rain in hopes to be heard! How can I break out of the monotony of the dullness of this rat race? I knew I didn’t belong. I wanted to go up to every single person and say wake from your slumber, what are we doing? Don’t you know there’s more than this? Desperately, I was seeking that door that led to dreams coming true and the unexplainable wherein is the “Anything is Possible”. I was sure to find it if I didn’t give up!

Surely, through all the rumblings of chatter there must be an internal silence. I could hear a voice in the crowd wanting to be heard but without a microphone at hand and almost without any hesitancy searching desperately for a loud speaker to cause a rippling thunder effect. Invisible to the world but soon just as a star shines through the darkness of night, ready and beaming with brilliance. Once a girl with too many questions with her hand raised high and now a dancing fool made to break all the rules. Inside my favorite mansion was a small room with colorful walls and a painter’s pallet. There was a long skinny red carpet that ran to the attic with gold-trimmed sheer curtains around the windows giving a slight shade to the light gazing through.

The Cold Shoulder & Mr. Idiom

Has there been an event or time in your life that you wished you could forget? I’m sure there’s at least one or two that come to mind without putting much effort into recalling them. Maybe a school incident, a family crisis or a quarrel, and maybe the loss of a close friend. Have you ever tried so hard to find yourself within but somehow as far away as possible from the nonsense that your past experience make-up offered? I got a picture of that image that has been monopolized over the years of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other speaking sweet nothings in the ear. When we think of opposites sometimes we see hot, cold, true-false, and we often get a smile or just a cold shoulder from well, could be anybody. Memorable maybe, important maybe not. Visualization and imagery can be so expounded upon, like when I say, you’re running through and open field, it’s sunny and hot, and you see purple flowers in the distance. But what If I said, I’m searching for buried treasure and I am holding the map and I can see the x-marks the spot. Can you see the difference or should I say have you found the key that unlocks the treasure chest?

If you’ve encountered hidden treasure before you may want to stop reading but if you have not, keep going. Now remember the red and blue shoulder, I mean the hot and cold shoulder? Don’t you love those imageries and everything started with a thought. Go figure. I love irony sometimes but sometimes it gets me good. Can you remember your last “cold shoulder” experience? The last time you were deliberately ignored or maybe it was you ignoring that voice that said something you are desperately trying to forget, that person that made a comment. How about a voice that says, “You’re a genius!” How would you respond to that one? Would you agree or would you forcefully plow it to the ground because of how you’ve been taught? Like, “Be humble, don’t think to highly of yourself now.” Thanks to good old Mr. Shoulder. Really? What if I told you that as nice as playing, “I know nothing” sounds, the truth be told, there’s a genius in us all, like it or not. Remember our friend and beloved enemy, true-false? Which one do you like best and which one tends to hurt you most? “The truth hurts!” Is that true, I beg to differ. I must say as soon as I changed the ways I looked at life and things, my life changed and for the better. Nuances arise now and then but I more often than not see things as they really are at least in my world that is. It’s bittersweet and yes the truth can hurt just as much as a lie I suppose. But is it true that what you don’t know can’t hurt you? Not sure yet, ask me later. Hahaha…very funny Mister.

Truthfully, at times, I prefer the cold shoulder especially when I’m intentionally blocking out someone or something that I’m not interested in letting into my circle. You know those annoying friends…like my friend Mr. Idiom the rule breaker. Oh, let me count the ways or maybe I’ll throw up in your face. Romeo give me a break, get real, I’ve had enough and by the way, my name is not Juliet. Don’t get me wrong I like Shakespeare and all but seriously? Let’s just break all the grammatical rules now that we can and don’t forget my friend Mr. Idiom. He loves to break the rules but quite the artist or should I say very creatively inclined.

I’m sorry for your loss. Don’t you hate it when people say that? I mean it doesn’t even make sense. I’m here to help you forget that, you know that! Never mind. This time in the open field, add a nice breeze and stop and smell the flowers, aren’t they lovely? Now isn’t that better…let’s be real shall we? I love a great escape but “no pain, no gain.” I think. Let’s go with it. Frankly, I’ve had enough pain for many lifetimes and now it’s time for gain. Thankfully, I still have a sense of humor. Ignore all you want but don’t forget your dream. What’s your dream? Do me a favor, get out a piece of paper and write it out in big letters, My dream is…and don’t forget to include your name.

The Experiment

What if every moment you were being watched, observed, and monitored even when alone? Would you care and would you change the way you lived your life? If everything I had experienced and done was recorded in a book, how would my life look? Every choice, every idea expressed and every decision made reflecting my heart response to any and every circumstance. So many unexplainable occurrences…I’ve been studying motivation and those speakers who have published books on the topic. You know those sweet books that promise a secret key or a lost treasure. The book you just have to buy because you know it will enrich your life. “Think and Grow Rich” By: Napolean Hill I recently purchased online.

It’s amazing how our lives are discovered each day and how we stumble upon things. During this time of studying on the subject of motivation, positive intention, and the Law of Attraction, the universe somehow knew and provided me with a long list of books for sale almost free—priced at the neighborhood library. Of course, “Think and Grow Rich” was found almost immediately after I had purchased it. Coincidence, I don’t believe so. And so I thought about this more and this belief about what you think about most, you draw into your life experience. Don’t ask me why, but I believe with all my heart this to be true. What if what we believed about ourselves and what we focused on really does come true? I decided to test this out more by keeping track like an experiment.

If I was determined to be a multi-millionaire and not willing to settle for the lesser things in life, I was extremely curious how my life would lead to this very successful rich fulfilling existence. Thought of wasting my life working a job I didn’t want to do or just wasting my time in general doing something meaningless scared the living hell out of me and drove me to find true success. Yes, I am thankful for the little things like food, a place to live, jobs, and the basic necessities of life but I had to have more and I knew there was more to this existence. I know what it’s like to have nothing, to have no one and no help and still have to find a way to survive and make it. This was another driving force behind me and why I sought out a rich life, one that could provide a way to accomplishing the dreams in my heart. That thing or things that made me flourish and happy.

This wasn’t just about proving those wrong who said I couldn’t make it or those who didn’t believe in me, this was about proving it to myself and providing a better future for my kids. How do you experience so many unexplainable things, gain so much and then try your hardest to forget most of it? Every little and big thing led up to this moment and time measured by what, a 24 hour day, a 7 day week, or a 365 day year? What is time…a man-made expression of something that cannot truly be explained, even if we count the seconds it takes for the lights to go out and come back on again, can we really interpret it and this very second already in the past.

About eight months ago, I had found myself in a situation that I had previously written about in my journal a year beforehand. What if I could prove this philosophy was much more than hear say? I wrote myself a ten million dollar check on August 25th of this year and I keep it in my wallet and look at it regularly. It’s now October as I write this and if I had a time machine that could peer into the future, I wonder what I would find. Today we live in a hyper-inflated informational age supplying so much at our fingertips. My room stacked high with books but I was completely driven to finishing my own. Tired of reading about everyone else’s successes but all the while thankful that I’ve had so much available to me—helping me grow along my own journey.