The city lights flashed as tourists quickly walked along the strip. Even so, it was dark, cold, and empty on the streets at night. I don’t know what was worse; the fear that kept my stomach in knots, my aching feet, or the sound of horns that came from the cars that drove by. No, it was probably the car waiting up ahead on the next street with the gun on the passenger seat. It’s pretty amazing what you can remember when you try…
I clenched my blanket in the dark and covered my face. I didn’t want to see the spiders falling on me. The downstairs was big but not that big where I slept alone. Well, not completely alone, everyone else slept upstairs. "Please don’t come in here again," I thought. Night after night, I wondered why my mother couldn’t hear me crying.
I walked slowly up the dark staircase to my father’s flat above the old antique art shop. The door of his place looked like a castle in a dream that he created. It cried of the most creative yet dark filled place. I opened the door to see a table filled with emptied medicine bottles and the shape of where his body had laid in the sheets of his bed. The inside walls empty with the structure transparent for anyone to see. I saw my picture hanging in the midst of the art covering the walls.
After seeing a dragon and it fleeing from me, I was brought into a spacious place where I floated for hours it seemed. I was completely filled with love as it shot through my body and out of my hands. I could see the earth from a distance. I’m still unsure of the white rings or waves surrounding it. I saw the layers of colors as I came back into my flesh and my eyes could see clearly. As I looked into the eyes of a stranger, I saw her story and she wept as I held her face in my hands. My face tingled for hours afterward and I couldn’t speak for three days.
The line was long and it was cold as I waited with excitement to dance for hours. I could hear the bass from the music playing inside. Finally, I entered with my turtle backpack, candy necklace, and pacifier around my neck. It was like one big family of lost children trying to have fun; looking for love. I looked into their eyes and I could see just about everything. I gave them a hug and then danced the night away.
It felt good as I repeatedly lifted off of my bed but it startled me as I felt the bumps on the ceiling. I realized I had better get back or I might not be able to find my way. Suddenly, my eyes opened and fear stared at me; no movement, just waiting, and not one blink. That cold, gray flesh was looking me dead in the face. Upside down, about an inch away, I knew what I saw was real but it wasn’t until I touched it that I became full of fear.
It was a sunny summer day as I pulled into his parking lot. I stood halfway out of my car as he walked nervously toward the mailbox with his sun glasses on and a smile. I was stopped dead in my tracks and time. My heart knew that it would never be the same again. Then you stole my heart and I came back to retrieve it but you wouldn't give it back. And, I died that day as I drove away and you went and married her.
As I fell upon my pillow, I cried out for my love. He came like the wind to my rescue and I could feel Him breathing on my face. I was met with such a tangible presence, that my pillow laid flat beside my head. This good fear forced me to cry out more. As the winds blow, the only thing I fear now is losing Him.
I sit alone in this room filled with people. Like a father he speaks parallels and songs of a story…my story. How does he know my life? Why are they scared to look at me? I want to hold each one and tell them how beautiful they are but I’m invisible. And so, one at a time. I smile through the rain that blurs my vision. The silence causes my ears to ring and I shudder to believe that this story is about me.
So many more pieces, it could take years to put together. So many new songs stuck in my head. It’s amazing all the things God can help you forget, heal and deliver you from, forgive, and bring back to memory without fear or pain. He is so remarkable that there aren’t enough words and so I sing from a place that burns within me and groans for release.
