Discovery involves putting away the old systems in my mind of preconceived ideas and false perceptions--the engrained and pressed down illusions. Embracing this life experience or what I choose to create. I let go of past pain and struggle. There are prisons with bars and prisons without bars but my mind and spirit are free and my soul is not for sale. I choose to think for myself and swim against the current of commonality.
I have always appreciated the Matrix and the unplugged aspect of the mind. No matter the situation you find, it's the battle for your mind that you need to guard and protect. There are so many categories in this life that we can fall into in our culture but I choose not to allow anyone to force me into a mold of what someone else thinks I am suppose to be or do. Everyone is unique and everyone is a spiritual being on their own path, I choose to respect others by being aware of that.
People will let you down and disappoint you but it's okay to keep walking and smiling. I have wasted so much of my life trying to be someone else but I am only good at being myself and I have learned to accept the fact that it's okay if you don't appreciate or respect me for being me--all my quirks, my feelings will no longer be hurt. I am comfortable in my own skin, fully confident, and aware that I am still evolving and growing. I enjoy embracing the unknown aspects of life without being enslaved to one thing or idea and I will fight to problem-solve using creative strategies.
I am a leader not a follower. I have had to unlearn so many prior ways of thinking by renewing my mind and this has brought such peace and healing from past wounds which I will probably forever be recovering from. I am learning that time does not heal all wounds. And now, I have decided to set aside time to invest in my own health and well-being; spiritually and physically which I neglected ealier in life.
I believe in the Law of Attraction and the One that created the universe, stars, and moon. I respect others beliefs but I will not force mine upon others. We are waking up all over the world becoming more conscious.
This life is a journey and I have found writing has been a helpful tool for healing and finding freedom. I have released judgments of others and myself.
I have no idea what's next but to trust and live without fear of the unknown is priceless.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Reclaiming Life
After years of living in fear and one abusive relationship after another, I begun a journey in finding true healing for my wounded self by turning the broken things into miracles.
It has been a struggle for me to say NO and that led me to compromise my well-being. I had suffered from abuse and abandonment throughout my childhood so I became approval-dependent to cover my fear. By saying YES to so many things-impossible expectations, I let others put on me-left me feeling sacrificial, guilty, and tired. Plus, It always left me thinking, "You didn't do enough." It was never good enough for me.
About a month ago, I made a friend at a local gym. After talking quantum physics and spirituality for almost an hour, this friend attempted to kiss me on the cheek. I found myself kindly saying, "too much for me." This is where I had to set healthy boundaries and space. You are not required to apologize for setting up boundaries.
After years of seeking external approval, I found it was only masking my divine self-worth. The more we depend on others to feel good, the faster we crash coming down from a temporary high of imaginary self-worth. The need for others approval, brings guilt and shame. So after being honest with myself and recognizing I needed my own approval more this brought a ton of relief. When I can train my mind and heart to love myself first then loving others in a healthy way is easier. It is not necessary to feel good about yourself by getting approval from others.
Stay thankful even when setting boundaries. It is not considered selfish to take care of yourself and you don't owe anyone justification for it. If you find yourself trapped in a spiral of people pleasing YES answers at the expense of your well-being, gently and compassionately free yourself from it and get internal guidance. Is there someone or some place consistently taking advantage of your willingness to serve? Are you crossing your own boundaries to fit in? It takes wisdom to meet others needs. Doing this in our own strength will only tire us out. We don't need to control everything. We can rely on the One who knows.
It has been a struggle for me to say NO and that led me to compromise my well-being. I had suffered from abuse and abandonment throughout my childhood so I became approval-dependent to cover my fear. By saying YES to so many things-impossible expectations, I let others put on me-left me feeling sacrificial, guilty, and tired. Plus, It always left me thinking, "You didn't do enough." It was never good enough for me.
About a month ago, I made a friend at a local gym. After talking quantum physics and spirituality for almost an hour, this friend attempted to kiss me on the cheek. I found myself kindly saying, "too much for me." This is where I had to set healthy boundaries and space. You are not required to apologize for setting up boundaries.
After years of seeking external approval, I found it was only masking my divine self-worth. The more we depend on others to feel good, the faster we crash coming down from a temporary high of imaginary self-worth. The need for others approval, brings guilt and shame. So after being honest with myself and recognizing I needed my own approval more this brought a ton of relief. When I can train my mind and heart to love myself first then loving others in a healthy way is easier. It is not necessary to feel good about yourself by getting approval from others.
Stay thankful even when setting boundaries. It is not considered selfish to take care of yourself and you don't owe anyone justification for it. If you find yourself trapped in a spiral of people pleasing YES answers at the expense of your well-being, gently and compassionately free yourself from it and get internal guidance. Is there someone or some place consistently taking advantage of your willingness to serve? Are you crossing your own boundaries to fit in? It takes wisdom to meet others needs. Doing this in our own strength will only tire us out. We don't need to control everything. We can rely on the One who knows.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Cosmantics?
This whole idea of the universe and meaning so I brought Cosmology and Semantics together and this is what I was thinking:
I was contemplating the significance and effects of light and darkness--the duality of the two but also the oneness of both and what this could mean. In a general sense if the purpose of darkness is to cover or conceal, and the purpose of light is to uncover and reveal, how does this effect us within this great big universe? What is light and darkness?
Some say that light is not matter and that it is energy but where does it come from? What is light and where does it dwell? What about darkness or dark matter? It is said that dark matter neither emits nor absorbs light. That means that dark matter cannot produce light?? That the total universe consists of 26.8% dark matter and 68.3% dark energy. That 84.5% of the total matter in the universe, while dark energy plus dark matter constitute 95.1% of the total mass–energy content of the universe. Let's look at this!
26.8% = dark matter 73.2% = NOT dark matter
68.3% = dark energy 31.7% = NOT dark energy
This gives me a picture like the one above and the perfect unity of the two. As above so below the two split as if hugging with a gravitational pull and yet clashing so much to show the distinction between them. Each different but both causing a complete whole. This is mind boggling.
To be continued.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
The Story II
It was late and he was thinking about her again and how he wished he could change the time. But he knew all too well that gut wrenching pain deep inside. Did I choose this he thought? As the memories fluttered and enveloped his psyche that constant aching feeling became a bit numb. His stomach grumbled again, his mind racing. Does your circumstance seem familiar to a friend? Does my longing to grasp onto a distant yet unreachable and wishful thought help me go forward? His heart held but also being strengthened. A story within a story, within a story. This story of love. I know. He thought.
It was 11:57 as she felt that tugging at her heart again. Her long lost friend, that was all she was allowed to call him out loud. She was broken, not because she fell for him but because he was silent. She knew his disappointments, his regrets, his pain. It was all too familiar again, extremely close to her but yet not close enough. It gnawed at her as she attempted to avoid the sting of it. That thought of, it was her he wanted and me he left and It was her he loved, again. Him running away from her and her running after him.
That undying love you wish was breakable. The torment of distance and the waiting that seemed to never end. They all said, let him go but not one of them understood the journey, how far the distance and the similarity. And that Love has no boundaries and Let no man separate....She knew his secrets, the things he was afraid to utter. What she didn't know is how much he loved her, he didn't say a word but she loved him back anyway. She remembered that day in the parking lot, his sun glasses shading his soul. Oh how I wanted to stop time and step outside. I thought. All she wanted was change. Her heart trying to bypass all her vulnerable mistakes she made just before she woke up. Doesn't he know how much he's loved? She thought as she brushed the tears away. Maybe he would rather I let him go though he would never admit it. How much longer can I bear the anguish of separation ? She winced at the pain because she knew the answer to that question seven years later. So she went back to what she knew best, waiting,...in the garden. But this time, fight for me, she said. Something the world will never understand.
It was 11:57 as she felt that tugging at her heart again. Her long lost friend, that was all she was allowed to call him out loud. She was broken, not because she fell for him but because he was silent. She knew his disappointments, his regrets, his pain. It was all too familiar again, extremely close to her but yet not close enough. It gnawed at her as she attempted to avoid the sting of it. That thought of, it was her he wanted and me he left and It was her he loved, again. Him running away from her and her running after him.
That undying love you wish was breakable. The torment of distance and the waiting that seemed to never end. They all said, let him go but not one of them understood the journey, how far the distance and the similarity. And that Love has no boundaries and Let no man separate....She knew his secrets, the things he was afraid to utter. What she didn't know is how much he loved her, he didn't say a word but she loved him back anyway. She remembered that day in the parking lot, his sun glasses shading his soul. Oh how I wanted to stop time and step outside. I thought. All she wanted was change. Her heart trying to bypass all her vulnerable mistakes she made just before she woke up. Doesn't he know how much he's loved? She thought as she brushed the tears away. Maybe he would rather I let him go though he would never admit it. How much longer can I bear the anguish of separation ? She winced at the pain because she knew the answer to that question seven years later. So she went back to what she knew best, waiting,...in the garden. But this time, fight for me, she said. Something the world will never understand.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Pages
Grown, pressed, handcrafted, and created. A seed planted, watered, and given light. Pages born bearing the weight of the seasons. Walking through I saw on my right a burden of perfection and to my left a settlement of sin. I plowed through my scattered dreams and my broken heart told me lift up your feet.
The pages left bitter Q's and earth stinging B's. I tossed aside the slavery of grammar and broke the chains of definition and meaning only to be comforted by what was hidden outside the pages.
I noticed my torn and bruised feet that brought me through the muck and mire of the lashing and beating of words. As the salt filled ocean of tears flooded my eyes, I saw them fall bringing healing to my cuts and open wounds. I longed to turn the pages but my inquisitive and curious mind bound me and love compelled me, finish the pages.
Slowing down my intake of each letter and word only causing more of a pain in my side, I didn't dare read aloud. A heavy beating in my heart hoping for a game of hide and seek in these pages.
The plot thickened and the earth spun and the universe held in its place. The heavens stretched across the span with burning bright stars giving their light for a day. Beyond the pages, I saw a vast and distant mountain with many hills as it crumbled and fell into the midst of the sea only to give room for the sun shining down on me.
A rainbow hung high stretched across above me as a circle hidden below like a promise never broken. A reminder that I can still see the colors formed from the reflection of light passing through me. Oh radiant pages how you have brought toil for the ground and healing in your wings, no longer scorched by the heat.
My feet hidden under the waves of deflection as the sand moved between my toes. I clenched to the rock that held my balance as the pull from the current brushed violently below, failing miserably to drown me. The waves receded and I lifted my feet, turned around and kept going. Oh these pages of life, what beauty and what grief. I choose to keep going, leaving the old bittersweet pages behind me.
The pages left bitter Q's and earth stinging B's. I tossed aside the slavery of grammar and broke the chains of definition and meaning only to be comforted by what was hidden outside the pages.
I noticed my torn and bruised feet that brought me through the muck and mire of the lashing and beating of words. As the salt filled ocean of tears flooded my eyes, I saw them fall bringing healing to my cuts and open wounds. I longed to turn the pages but my inquisitive and curious mind bound me and love compelled me, finish the pages.
Slowing down my intake of each letter and word only causing more of a pain in my side, I didn't dare read aloud. A heavy beating in my heart hoping for a game of hide and seek in these pages.
The plot thickened and the earth spun and the universe held in its place. The heavens stretched across the span with burning bright stars giving their light for a day. Beyond the pages, I saw a vast and distant mountain with many hills as it crumbled and fell into the midst of the sea only to give room for the sun shining down on me.
A rainbow hung high stretched across above me as a circle hidden below like a promise never broken. A reminder that I can still see the colors formed from the reflection of light passing through me. Oh radiant pages how you have brought toil for the ground and healing in your wings, no longer scorched by the heat.
My feet hidden under the waves of deflection as the sand moved between my toes. I clenched to the rock that held my balance as the pull from the current brushed violently below, failing miserably to drown me. The waves receded and I lifted my feet, turned around and kept going. Oh these pages of life, what beauty and what grief. I choose to keep going, leaving the old bittersweet pages behind me.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
My People
The moment when you realize you know you're alive. The place you found
yourself betrayed, alone, and set aside. The time when you understand that previous command
you knew and now this time well in over your head. That place when you discover you know
the king is converSing, with another on the best way to handle it. In this, I paused,
I stopped for a breath, remembering my thoughts, "Changing the world is my occupation"
But I also remembered this, your words are powerful. But I was sent for this.
As I drove in my car, the thoughts flooding my intellect, as I clench to my sanity. It's when it all came down to me and you try, to keep up grasping to each piece, holding tight, longing for release. Holding each treasure. But was it? Treasure, I mean...the urgency that puts you in a place where you no longer have to think about what to write or say and it doesn't even matter how it sounds you just need to get it down, in time, racing for the finish line. I want you to recognize what it feels like, to change the world, if I only knew. I would have lived in a quiet village somewhere minding my own business but who knew, one doesn't get here that way. Right. You get here by going to hell and back, literally. I don't mean struggles and trials unending miles, your life, that's been done here before right? I'm talking literally falling, or should I say, crawling, to your knees, pleading.
I was a truth seeker and a law breaker, though I loved music and anything artistic. It wasn't that it was hard for me to finish a project, but that each time I attempted, I just got distracted along the way, the universe was calling my name. I couldn't see myself doing just one thing, quantum possibility and divine intervention, I wanted to venture out, spread my wings, like I said before, I'm in too deep.
Life works in a mystery that is true but even the things hidden will come to the light. And, because of the day and hour we are in, I have to leave my fingerprint on this planet, before exiting. You see this isn't about a legacy or being in a book or even vengeance, It's about speaking for those who cannot speak for themselves, who tried to make it and didn't. This one's for you. My earthly father overdosed on medication and I had no clue, at the time. It wasn't because he had a chemical imbalance or the fact that he was so artistic and talented, this is what happens when your heart comes undone and you have nothing left. See his mind puffed up and his heart grew cold but in his last breath, he was smack faced with death. But I guarantee you, the earth quaked and the sun turned black but only for a moment and the cloud took aback as the sky acquired a new star.
This place where you really don't have time for pros and cons, you know it's just a matter of time. Not a thought of will this happen if I do this or do that but rather if I don't, who will? You know it's too much when your whole life has been one crazy story after another and now in this last hour, or should I say few months, the story doesn't end. This story of life and death, and blood and heroism, truth and deception, freedom and slavery, power and poverty, love and hate, and the sky splits and we see the light, And...
When you know, the world is falling, crumbling, but you know that there is a whole other world out there and if possible this isn't the end of all humanity, someone needs to know beyond a great tragedy, the great deception. "Even the elect could be deceived if that were possible." Is it possible, that all this time no one else had time to speak or stand or maybe it just wasn't the plan, my people enslaved here, my people enslaved there...my people.
I saw the stages and their greatness, biggest ones in the world. Speaking their words to me, trying so hard to lure me with their flattering words there "Come, be all you were meant to be and underneath their words, were swords, and silver coins and a kiss on the cheek with thousand dollar suits and ten thousand auditorium seats.
Did my people truly believe their silence would be enough or even be ignored? The ungodly remark flailing from my lips, "Why was I even born?" A darkness so dark and deception binding the minds and hearts of men, enslaved by their institutions. Break Free! My people, break free. The truth isn't a perception, my freedom at best and when you find it, peace rests.
I wanted to shout aloud, yes he came to save me but where I saw peace there was a sword. But then it came to me, could it be? He loved me! This beautiful man, carrying his water can. He died for me they said. He came to set us free. The only one I ever loved. How can this be? As I looked in a crystal sea, I saw a mirror image of me. This beautiful and great mystery. My people, break free!
As I drove in my car, the thoughts flooding my intellect, as I clench to my sanity. It's when it all came down to me and you try, to keep up grasping to each piece, holding tight, longing for release. Holding each treasure. But was it? Treasure, I mean...the urgency that puts you in a place where you no longer have to think about what to write or say and it doesn't even matter how it sounds you just need to get it down, in time, racing for the finish line. I want you to recognize what it feels like, to change the world, if I only knew. I would have lived in a quiet village somewhere minding my own business but who knew, one doesn't get here that way. Right. You get here by going to hell and back, literally. I don't mean struggles and trials unending miles, your life, that's been done here before right? I'm talking literally falling, or should I say, crawling, to your knees, pleading.
I was a truth seeker and a law breaker, though I loved music and anything artistic. It wasn't that it was hard for me to finish a project, but that each time I attempted, I just got distracted along the way, the universe was calling my name. I couldn't see myself doing just one thing, quantum possibility and divine intervention, I wanted to venture out, spread my wings, like I said before, I'm in too deep.
Life works in a mystery that is true but even the things hidden will come to the light. And, because of the day and hour we are in, I have to leave my fingerprint on this planet, before exiting. You see this isn't about a legacy or being in a book or even vengeance, It's about speaking for those who cannot speak for themselves, who tried to make it and didn't. This one's for you. My earthly father overdosed on medication and I had no clue, at the time. It wasn't because he had a chemical imbalance or the fact that he was so artistic and talented, this is what happens when your heart comes undone and you have nothing left. See his mind puffed up and his heart grew cold but in his last breath, he was smack faced with death. But I guarantee you, the earth quaked and the sun turned black but only for a moment and the cloud took aback as the sky acquired a new star.
This place where you really don't have time for pros and cons, you know it's just a matter of time. Not a thought of will this happen if I do this or do that but rather if I don't, who will? You know it's too much when your whole life has been one crazy story after another and now in this last hour, or should I say few months, the story doesn't end. This story of life and death, and blood and heroism, truth and deception, freedom and slavery, power and poverty, love and hate, and the sky splits and we see the light, And...
When you know, the world is falling, crumbling, but you know that there is a whole other world out there and if possible this isn't the end of all humanity, someone needs to know beyond a great tragedy, the great deception. "Even the elect could be deceived if that were possible." Is it possible, that all this time no one else had time to speak or stand or maybe it just wasn't the plan, my people enslaved here, my people enslaved there...my people.
I saw the stages and their greatness, biggest ones in the world. Speaking their words to me, trying so hard to lure me with their flattering words there "Come, be all you were meant to be and underneath their words, were swords, and silver coins and a kiss on the cheek with thousand dollar suits and ten thousand auditorium seats.
Did my people truly believe their silence would be enough or even be ignored? The ungodly remark flailing from my lips, "Why was I even born?" A darkness so dark and deception binding the minds and hearts of men, enslaved by their institutions. Break Free! My people, break free. The truth isn't a perception, my freedom at best and when you find it, peace rests.
I wanted to shout aloud, yes he came to save me but where I saw peace there was a sword. But then it came to me, could it be? He loved me! This beautiful man, carrying his water can. He died for me they said. He came to set us free. The only one I ever loved. How can this be? As I looked in a crystal sea, I saw a mirror image of me. This beautiful and great mystery. My people, break free!
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Dear Children
I know it's hard and things don't make sense but they will in time. Don't be rushed to grow up it's much more fun being a child even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Enjoy life's moments they come and go quickly.
When people are mean and don't understand you, it's okay, love them anyway and smile. I know right now you don't see how beautiful you are but you are and you will. People are afraid of what they don't understand and of the light that is in you and it scares them that's why they are mean.
You are here to show love to the unlovely and help them remember that there's love in them to.
Don't believe everything people tell you but find the truth for yourself. And when you do, know that not everything you find will be happy but keep your joy-don't let anyone steal it from you.
Don't promise to do something if you don't know what you're agreeing to. The more you learn and see, the harder it gets.
Never give up and be strong, it's all about what you learn each time that matters. It's okay to make mistakes this way that's how you learn and grow. You have a lot of Love in you so don't throw it away before you find it.
You are different and there is only one you, make it count. Don't be a victim but when you fight for life use love it's the greatest tool.
Pray a lot. Be confident and humble. Help others but don't neglect yourself in the process. When you remember who you are, you don't have to prove anything just love everybody.
There will be disappointments and people and family will turn away but you are never alone. And most importantly, never stop being a child.
When people are mean and don't understand you, it's okay, love them anyway and smile. I know right now you don't see how beautiful you are but you are and you will. People are afraid of what they don't understand and of the light that is in you and it scares them that's why they are mean.
You are here to show love to the unlovely and help them remember that there's love in them to.
Don't believe everything people tell you but find the truth for yourself. And when you do, know that not everything you find will be happy but keep your joy-don't let anyone steal it from you.
Don't promise to do something if you don't know what you're agreeing to. The more you learn and see, the harder it gets.
Never give up and be strong, it's all about what you learn each time that matters. It's okay to make mistakes this way that's how you learn and grow. You have a lot of Love in you so don't throw it away before you find it.
You are different and there is only one you, make it count. Don't be a victim but when you fight for life use love it's the greatest tool.
Pray a lot. Be confident and humble. Help others but don't neglect yourself in the process. When you remember who you are, you don't have to prove anything just love everybody.
There will be disappointments and people and family will turn away but you are never alone. And most importantly, never stop being a child.
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