The Truth...you can't handle!

Keep in mind, I'm trying out a new style of writing and if you laugh uncontrollably, I've accomplished my first goal here: What the heck am I doing here? The sun beamed down onto the trees as several passersby were noticed enjoying the daylight. The glass windows were smudged with small palms and fingerprints. I wonder if the owner noticed that, it was right next to his table. Oh well, he's gone now. What happened to the window cleaner that used to come by? I always believe in doing your best wherever you are but seriously, don't get stuck or distracted cleaning glass or windows...remember the destination. Think GOLD! Wow, there he goes again...the crazy guy ripping out the neighbor's lawn with his personal butcher knife. She'd have a fit if she saw this. Well, he's so far gone he thinks someone hired him to do it. Tough break! Where's your sense of empathy? Sorry, I just don't give a ... I guess it's grown thin over the years. Hi! Anywhere you'd like to sit, I'll be right with you! How are you today? Can I get you something to drink? Maybe an alcoholic beverage to soothe the pain or hot cup of tea that takes forever to prepare when I'm in a rush. Smile. These thoughts. I'll bring you some water. You look thirsty...

My God! Table 29. I don't know what that is...looks like something from a horror film. I must have evolved because I couldn't find much to eat at the store these days and the restaurant food wasn't appetizing. They say, you should listen to your body or maybe it's your gut instinct. I only wanted healthy foods and the more I persisted, the more often I noticed people almost getting offended when I turned down their food offerings almost being shoved in my face. Really, leave me the bleep alone. I really like to choose what I put into my body. Do you mind?

So yeah, everything I touch turns to gold. That's my truth and what I'm permanently writing on the wall of my inner arm. We've got to have goals right? And, a vision...now if I could just stop changing it. I guess when you are always in a state of evolution, that can be difficult but doable. Music keeps me level, one foot in the clouds and the other on the ground. Kind of like the rat-race. One foot in and one foot out. Come on! It makes sense to me, don't judge. I'm starting to understand the need for Fiction stories and the great escape from a not-so beautiful reality. It's all a matter of perspective right? Just focus on the good things and keep it positive. But I'm a realist! I see things as they are. But I'm a visionary! I use my imagination and wisdom when I plan. Oh geez! That was yesterday...

And then it hit me, I had just realized...I did this to myself. I told him I was turning off and suppressing my emotions to prevent the pain from setting in and it did. I guess I didn't know my own strength. Okay, I'm ready to cry now. Could you do me a favor and just cry for me? I'm too selfish now to shed my own tears. A single tear fell from each eye somehow as if a gift fell from the clouds. What a relief...had I really bought into that ideology that the only way to be successful was to be selfish, cold, and clever. Maybe clever yes but how selfish? Ever had a specific goal or focus set and it seemed everything and everyone was in need of your time and attention as if to pull you off track? But this time, it was much easier to cancel my, sure...Monday? Sounds good. Text message: Actually, NO! I can't meet up Monday. I've actually got to be a little stingy with my time right now and stay laser-focused. And, I'm not a dog person btw. I love my freedom. I love and respect myself. I'm not for sale, I'm struggling with thoughts of world domination. Ummm...delete last sentence. Peace! Wow...we still friends?

Which book should I read and finish by tomorrow? Hmmm...I just love my favorite; The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Let's see here. Wtf? I never noticed that. Sometimes, I can only digest so much at once. I'm full. Who is that girl in the mirror? Ok, that's enough. Brutal honesty, one of my weaknesses that I vowed not to work on. Pretty good...I think it was perfect your strengths.

I was stuck in the past for about 30 minutes before I almost got whiplash pulling myself back into the present. Stop giving your time away to things and people that aren't worth it! 7 years and 7 months, twice loved (New book title). The end! That was quick. Yep, you've got to have goals. Check. Endorphin rush, pain perception reduction. On to the next... Extremely successful independent woman fell but only broke one dish, got up dusted herself off and will accomplish every dream on her list. Just thinking ahead... Laugh...it's good for you.

As I Woke

A Debate With Self... ~On matters of Philosophy, let no man understand.~ I grappled within or without...I couldn't be sure. How far I had come nor how many oceans cried but what was for certain this raging howl for freedom. A place far from not only the mundane but somewhere away from the crowding of voices, information explosions, and slave labor. In a land of so-called freedom that wasn't at all free, I wondered how it could be. I saw time as this most precious jewel unseen slipping through hands and my biggest fear; wasting time on meaningless things. How can we cry out for guidance to our dreams and still expect complete control over every aspect of our lives? Why is it the more I learn, the more questions I am left with? Is there no answer to understand a thing? Who am I but a mere spec in the ocean or a matter in the rough? So big yet so small a thing and this war within. Are there any words left that can help me understand? I longed to cry but I couldn't with the sheer fear of losing my own tears. In an age where it wasn't allowed or considered normal to express an emotion. Don't get angry, don't even be sad, smile and be happy or else just pretend. Have we lost all touch with our senses or our grip on reality too busy being phony? The cost of honesty do we dare and who is willing? Self-absorbed with another life, another voice or just another...something. I disdain the absurdity of you trying to write my story for me and so I take the reigns of my own life. Do not look upon me in weakness nor judge me for the light I long to find. But if you could take view of the mirror, you would not see me rest assured. What pain it causes to trade your time for not when for created you are for something more. So many options and so many distractions and all but what we really are. Happiness is not derived from an external source of this or of that but a still internal space and freedom is in the letting go of others expectations. What can I say, As I woke...