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I pulled up a chair outside the corner coffee shop In an attempt to find a good writing place but for some reason found myself trying to ignore the subtle nagging that made me feel utterly alone. The sun was at full blaze at the east and a light breeze pulled for my attention from the west but my appreciation of the weather seemed to have dwindled over the years into a fainted nothingness. Memories came full circle like a rushing whirlwind and I glared at the book on the table afraid to open it. I took notice of an older gentleman sitting across from me relaxing in the sun holding a cigarette. I wished life were that simple sometimes and I checked myself quickly noticing the story lines within the wrinkles covering his face. Wanna trade? I thought. But then a still small voice said, “No, you don't.” Why me? I thought. Why not ask someone else to go? Then silence. The four way traffic light with the sound of cars screeching pass me from every angle and the chaos that surrounded me seemed to quickly fade and eventually disappear. Not sure if the sun fell below or if I rose above as daylight became a sky full of clouds and a violent wind wrapped me in a blanket. I wondered how the solitude found me again, it didn't seem to matter where I went. The world gripped me and shook my body to the bone but that's as far as it went. I didn't have to search for that resting place in my soul where the well spring floods out the emptiness.
How long would I have to wait for an answer. He was so strong and yet seemed so distant at times but always there. “Can you hear me?” Crying out from within. I was still recovering from the night before when my eyes were opened up just a little bit more and oh how painful that was. Sometimes we want to see the bigger picture but we are only shown in pieces. I guess that makes sense when the tidbits are so huge they shake us at our very foundation. I don't know about you but I hate being left in the dark even when I have more understanding. Consequently, that unknowing pushes us along otherwise I'm sure we would never go. Honestly, the real reason being compelled by Love. Once in a while, I think, “what in the world have I gotten myself into?” But then I'm reminded, be in the world but not of the world. It's part of the journey I guess and then I'm haunted by the memory of holding up my hands saying, “Here I am, send me.” Some would call me a fool for doing so but for me, giving up isn't an option. I was hopeful, wishing that things weren't that bad. Dreadfully ignoring the fact that deep down, I really knew the truth and that was excruciating.
I realized how grown up my children are and how they are so busy with life. They are both such amazing and talented kids already changing the world, grown up kids I should say. It seemed that they didn't really know the real person that I am. All the stories I tried telling them...but I am confident that someday they will want to know more and how truly special they are. It's here that I hope to leave them with an amazing sense of destiny which I have tried to ingrain within their hearts. I want them to know the Love that I have found and I will do whatever it takes to show them. I have made so many mistakes but this isn't what identifies me and it definitely won't be what people remember. When you get to that place of such a sense of purpose that you are willing to let God use you in any way or at any place, it's there that you find yourself. It's also there that you may feel like every opposition that can or will, comes against you. As if the light bulb came on and shined extremely bright but much further than my own mind and heart could ever handle. Thankfully this is where, that opposition, has no chance in hell of putting out this light or rather, the darkness cannot comprehend the light.
Every now and again, I take a deep breath and do some writing or I don't know...something to escape from reality. Have you ever thought about how fast time goes or better yet how much time we waste on meaningless things? We all do it sometimes. Do you ever have thoughts like, I know life is much more than working, sleeping, eating, and then starting again the next day? Does it bother you that we live life this way? But we can't wait for the world to change, we must be the change it needs and that's the only way. Let your light so shine before men. Yeah, it just keeps going and going. I refuse to leave this planet though until I've done my part. It is written, He that wins souls is wise. Remember though even if I think I know what that looks like, it is likely that it won't be the same way I pictured it.
Where can I run from your spirit? I found myself on my front porch next to a burning candle trying to keep the mosquito’s at bay and also from the food in the kitchen that I have no appetite for anyway. Something else that lessened over the years...don't get me wrong, I do eat, just not something I enjoy doing. I know that what I'm about to say may not make sense to some but once you've experienced the Love of God, nothing else compares. Imagine being in what you call heaven and experiencing it and then living on the earth but yet still connected to heaven. That's the best way I can describe it. It's not so easy. Unfortunately, a taste for anything else doesn't seem to have much flavor. But on a high note, you get to enjoy what I believe is most important, what many others may not ever experience and the thought of that really bothers me. If I could leave you with some words it would be; pray a lot, don't get offended; never give up, and love as many people as possible. But there is so much more to it, I couldn't possibly leave it at that.
