Single Pain Window

All Your Heart

2012-01-03T00:56:00.000-08:00

“And you shall seek and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

These were the words that I would soon find piercing my heart with an unimaginable love that produced a fear and trembling deep within my soul…

It was a night that I found myself, on my knees, at the altar weeping, uncontrollably again. There aren’t really words to describe this place but I’m reminded of The Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Words just don’t seem to do them Justice or do they? I wasn’t sure what was happening on the inside of me but I was certain of one thing, I was encountering the Creator of Heaven and Earth in a whole new and different way. Prayer really is a place of comfort and it’s full of all kinds of mystery. Although, when you find yourself driven there it’s a whole different reality even if there isn’t anything else you’d rather be doing.

I remember it started with an hour of prayer here and there and at some point later on, I found that many hours a day just wasn’t enough—I was caught or rather, my heart was ravished. What was happening here? I finally discovered what truly satisfied my soul. I didn’t want to leave the place of prayer and worship. The hours a day in my room at home made sense to me but outside? Really? I soon found myself at the table in the presence of my enemies.

What was this that caused my whole being to cry out desperately for the salvation of souls? The earth seemed so small in comparison, and then it happened, my heart would focus in on the faces as the tears flooded down my face. How could I be so struck by love yet so deeply woven within brambles of pain and sorrow? There was such a burden that I just had no way to describe it and yet the more I stayed in that place, the more love seemed to increase—to the point that even death couldn’t keep me from it. All the previous years of suffering couldn’t even touch this. And, if I had to choose to endure it all over again to find Him that way it would make it all the more worth it.

I didn’t know what I was getting myself into or how much your environment can play such a huge role. What was this pilgrimage I was on. I already knew based on all the distant places I’d been and things I’d seen, that I was in for a ride. If I could say one thing for sure, I couldn’t recollect even one day of boredom in my life. Suffering? Yes. Pain? Yes. But disinterest…if I had experienced such a thing, I had lost all my senses. What was it like to not have anything to do? There was yet so much to be done. My soul was crying out LOVE!! And, all the while, I daily wrestled against my very own flesh.

So what does it mean to search with all your heart? What do you think of? Have you ever thought about the words: All your heart? Don’t forget about searching. What does that look like to you? All I think I know is this; hot or cold, soft or hard, righteousness or wickedness, alive or dead, and my favorite—the tablet where God can write His love permanently. It’s the place where love can burn one day and the next moment you’re crying out for God to soften your heart again. Once you tap into that place, you start to understand at least one thing; the battle is very real. For just a moment, I forgot what Joy was and wondered if I had indeed been introduced to it ever, as dread came over me.

When you wake up in the tomb and you find your heart getting offended try to remember the cross and Jesus being the first born from the dead. I can clearly hear Jesus calling out to the Father, “Why have you forsaken me?” If you listen really close, you may hear another voice crying out, “Do you know who you are?!!?” Even more so, this would be a really good time to remind your self of that love that in comparison to now—seemed so easy to grasp onto before. Jesus said it best when He said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind." This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." -Jesus. What do these two have in common?

After all that, how could one be so angry or so selfish to say, “Is this it God?” “Is this the vision that was in Your heart from before the foundations of the earth concerning me? Does the creation dare question the Creator and ask, “Why did you make me this way?” No. But when He asks, You did it for love.

~And God spoke all these words, saying: I am Jehovah your God, who has brought you out from the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage. You shall not have any other gods beside Me. You shall not make a graven image for yourself, of any likeness which is in the heavens above, or which is in the earth beneath, or which is in the waters under the earth; you shall not bow to them, and you shall not serve them; for I am Jehovah your God, a jealous God...Exodus 20:1-5

~The grass withers; the flower fades; but the word of our God shall rise forever. Isaiah 40:8

Awakened

2011-10-02T04:23:00.000-07:00

You didn't know what I was saying when I said
I would give you everything.
It didn't make sense when everything you loved
seemed to disappear or turn away.

You asked me to open the eyes of your heart
that you might understand my ways.
You didn't understand that to awaken the heart
meant to feel my pain and yours.

You held your hands up with all your strength
to declare that you were mine.
You found the dust and that you were too weak
to raise up from the floor.

You surrendered your whole heart to me
not knowing I was bringing you to life.
You found a heart of flesh that felt sorrow,
anger, and love that burned like fire.

You lifted up your soul to me as a gift
not knowing your true value and beauty.
You found yourself hiding when I brought
you out of the darkness and into the light.

There is a special place on the inside
that looks differently from the outside.
There is a tree with roots that grow
down deep when the storm comes rushing by.

Shaking the entire earths atmosphere
with mourning, weeping, and groaning.
Wrapping around every longing heart
and coming to every thirsty soul.

Hovering over all the waters and the sea
and reaching beyond the ends of the earth.
Searching out the mind and hearts of man.
Knowing the very depths of God.

And when you thought the well had run dry,
A raging river and a rushing wind,
A burning fire and a strength within.

You hold the entirety of it all in Your hand.
You live on the inside and enjoy sharing with me.
How wide, how long, how high, and how deep
is Your love for me.

Lowest Place

2011-02-18T00:18:00.000-08:00

O King Jesus,
I do not want any praise.
You have captured my heart.
I willfully submit to you.

Let my weakness increase.
For your glory is revealed.
I must have all of you.

O King Jesus,
the only one found worthy.
Seated at the right hand.
You rule and reign in my heart.

I live to sit at your feet.
Search and see that I am yours.
The spirit and the bride say come.

O King Jesus,
I tremble before you.
I will do anything for you.
Take me to the lowest place.

Sweet Surrender

2010-06-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

I close my eyes for a moment to hear the thunder of your presence upon me. Your wind rushes over me and you drench me with the weight of your glory. Your lips drip with honey and I’m overcome by your majesty. I feel your gentle breeze upon my face and I ask for you to breathe your life into me. Oh, how you fill and stir me up as I feel you dancing within me. You leave me with a hunger that is unsatisfied and wanting more. O love, search me and see that I am yours.

The Confession

2010-06-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

I forced myself to let you go before you almost destroyed me. You wrapped me around your little finger and consumed me. I gave you all the credit in the world and only to have you throw me away. What did you see in me? I’m not sure I will ever know or if it even matters but I gave you so many chances. What were you so afraid of? Don’t worry, I know it was love. You hide yourself in that little corner, hoping and praying that you don’t run into yourself. One by one the bricks go up and you’ve covered your face behind a wall. Oh my sweet precious one, how much longer will you stay hidden in the darkness? When you look back with regret, please know that I never stopped loving.

Puzzle Pieces

2010-05-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

The city lights flashed as tourists quickly walked along the strip. Even so, it was dark, cold, and empty on the streets at night. I don’t know what was worse; the fear that kept my stomach in knots, my aching feet, or the sound of horns that came from the cars that drove by. No, it was probably the car waiting up ahead on the next street with the gun on the passenger seat. It’s pretty amazing what you can remember when you try…

I clenched my blanket in the dark and covered my face. I didn’t want to see the spiders falling on me. The downstairs was big but not that big where I slept alone. Well, not completely alone, everyone else slept upstairs. "Please don’t come in here again," I thought. Night after night, I wondered why my mother couldn’t hear me crying.

I walked slowly up the dark staircase to my father’s flat above the old antique art shop. The door of his place looked like a castle in a dream that he created. It cried of the most creative yet dark filled place. I opened the door to see a table filled with emptied medicine bottles and the shape of where his body had laid in the sheets of his bed. The inside walls empty with the structure transparent for anyone to see. I saw my picture hanging in the midst of the art covering the walls.

After seeing a dragon and it fleeing from me, I was brought into a spacious place where I floated for hours it seemed. I was completely filled with love as it shot through my body and out of my hands. I could see the earth from a distance. I’m still unsure of the white rings or waves surrounding it. I saw the layers of colors as I came back into my flesh and my eyes could see clearly. As I looked into the eyes of a stranger, I saw her story and she wept as I held her face in my hands. My face tingled for hours afterward and I couldn’t speak for three days.

The line was long and it was cold as I waited with excitement to dance for hours. I could hear the bass from the music playing inside. Finally, I entered with my turtle backpack, candy necklace, and pacifier around my neck. It was like one big family of lost children trying to have fun; looking for love. I looked into their eyes and I could see just about everything. I gave them a hug and then danced the night away.

It felt good as I repeatedly lifted off of my bed but it startled me as I felt the bumps on the ceiling. I realized I had better get back or I might not be able to find my way. Suddenly, my eyes opened and fear stared at me; no movement, just waiting, and not one blink. That cold, gray flesh was looking me dead in the face. Upside down, about an inch away, I knew what I saw was real but it wasn’t until I touched it that I became full of fear.

It was a sunny summer day as I pulled into his parking lot. I stood halfway out of my car as he walked nervously toward the mailbox with his sun glasses on and a smile. I was stopped dead in my tracks and time. My heart knew that it would never be the same again. Then you stole my heart and I came back to retrieve it but you wouldn't give it back. And, I died that day as I drove away and you went and married her.

As I fell upon my pillow, I cried out for my love. He came like the wind to my rescue and I could feel Him breathing on my face. I was met with such a tangible presence, that my pillow laid flat beside my head. This good fear forced me to cry out more. As the winds blow, the only thing I fear now is losing Him.

I sit alone in this room filled with people. Like a father he speaks parallels and songs of a story…my story. How does he know my life? Why are they scared to look at me? I want to hold each one and tell them how beautiful they are but I’m invisible. And so, one at a time. I smile through the rain that blurs my vision. The silence causes my ears to ring and I shudder to believe that this story is about me.

So many more pieces, it could take years to put together. So many new songs stuck in my head. It’s amazing all the things God can help you forget, heal and deliver you from, forgive, and bring back to memory without fear or pain. He is so remarkable that there aren’t enough words and so I sing from a place that burns within me and groans for release.

Beautiful Abandon

2010-05-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

Here I am fully surrendered. Your sweet presence surrounds me and I invite you to go beyond deep. Your light pierces through my mind and makes my body shudder. There's nothing more that I want than for you to reign in me. Your river fills up the very core of my being. My tongue speaks mysteries to your heart and you reveal so much more of the affections you have for me. I cannot be content until I have given my very last breath to you. How much longer will you restrain yourself and not bear it anymore? It feels as though time doesn’t occur when I’m near you. Will you show me how much more I can love you? I can see but a glimpse of you suspended over the waters deep, calling out to me. It is pure anguish to have even a moment without you. I catch sight of you in a cloud, smiling upon me. Come take hold of me and breathe into me your fullness. I am overcome by this love.

Fearless

2010-04-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

My mother once told me when I was about three years old, I saw a pool; ran directly for it and jumped right in, more than once. I think I had the right idea. I look back before the fear, before the pain, and I can see a little girl, fearless without any shame. I find myself today, right back at that pool; hearing God say, “Go for it!” Maybe I’m alone in this but it seems that sometimes when I think I’ve dealt with something, it finds its way back again. That vulnerable place in our heart that we thought exposing once was good enough. I was crying my eyes out the other night, saying, “O God where are you at?” In so many words, the unknown is killing me here.

Have you ever had God speak to you and tell you something that gave you understanding like a breath of fresh air but also hurt almost more than you could even bear it? Setting the good old “truth hurts” statement aside for a moment, that kind of truth that leaves you in a place where you know it’s out of your hands, completely helpless. It’s an interesting feeling, can’t really put it into words but I think it has something to do with trust. I saw that water sparkle in the sunlight, without even giving it a thought; completely unaware that I could be risking my life, I trusted and just dove right in. I think that makes more sense, life is just too short.

It seems a bit crazy to me though to think how suffering can make so much sense. If I look back at the most painful moments and say what have I learned? It doesn’t take much for my heart to understand far beyond what my mind can comprehend. And to know how far I’ve come or even the necessity of it all. Amazing though how long it took or how quickly I got here is a real mystery. But the important thing is being right back where I need to be, vulnerable enough to trust regardless of what happens when I jump in. And so, with a smile on my face and excitement in my wings, I run.

Once Upon A Dream

2010-04-05T02:34:00.000-07:00

The tree limbs danced in the gentle breeze and love was in the air. The young beauty frequently escaped her fortress to scamper throughout the countryside and inhale the sweet bouquet of life itself. As she ran with enthusiasm away from the castle doors with liberty in her wings to sing and dance, the sun stretched its arms across the blue with might. An infinite ocean of radiant emeralds was as far as the eye could see.

She stopped unexpectedly for her eyes came upon the most remarkable purple flower that stood isolated in the vast field, encircling her. She was mesmerized by its beauty as she had never seen such a flower as this. She felt pure delight and peace as she sat down to embrace the loveliness in her midst. Hesitant to pick the flower, she considered how wonderful it would grace her castle. But then she also knew if she did, the flower would certainly die.

Gradually, she closed her eyes to feel the heat of the sun beaming on her face but suddenly her soul began to feel heaviness from the world. Fear crept in and she realized that beauty could be taken in an instant. Looking up toward the heavens, a storm emerged almost instantly as she observed a host of black clouds inhaling the blue sky. Not being able to stand it any longer, she pulled the flower from its root and raised it to her face. But before she could take a deep breath to enjoy its fragrance, she lost all her senses, and fell to the ground.

The castle was sinister, the fire scorching up through each fracture in the stone flooring. It was blistering, scarcely any air to breathe. I discovered my wrists and ankles bound with shackles to the ground. At first, I wanted to yell out but I couldn’t even speak. Then I heard voices shrieking with horror and for some reason I wasn’t a bit frightened. All that my eyes were taking In should have scared me to death. I wasn’t sure how I got there.

I glanced down at my bare feet and there stood the purple flower, wilted, broken, almost no life left. The more I gazed at the flower, the more I became filled with sorrow. I felt such distress, for it was my selfishness that took that flower from its home. I had no consideration for myself in chains, only that poor purple flower laying now in the dust of the floor to die. Oh how I wished to be back in the field of emeralds, running endlessly with the sun on my face, breathing once again. All of a sudden, I heard a cunning and familiar voice shout, “Yes, it is your fault, you have taken the life of that flower!” I looked up into the darkness but I couldn’t spot anyone. Then I heard laughing and I felt so humiliated because I was naked in chains. Oh where are you my love?

The dark clouds wept all night long as the wind wrestled against the trees and shook the threshold aggressively. The young warrior awoke from a dream. He promptly sat up as a single tear fell from his eye and his strong hand seized it by force before it could even reach his cheek. A gentle whisper said, “You have what it takes, I am your strength.” He stared out the windowpane through the rainfall and could see past the mountains and questioned how quickly he could get there. Boldly, he got dressed putting on his belt and shoes. Sighing genuinely with a lovesick groan, he opened the door and peered in the direction of the unknown; giving no attention to what he was leaving behind. He saddled his horse and swiftly leaped on. With his protective guard up and his blade readily accessible, then positioning his hat, he raced against the storm.

Redeemed

2010-04-01T14:25:00.001-07:00

I entered in my nakedness and you met me in the depths of my soul. You blessed me with such riches and I’m no longer hiding from you. I am safe and secure in your flame and with just one gaze I flourish. You created me for intimacy and molded me to bring forth life. I fell upon beauty when you entrusted me with fierce passion and desire. You unveil such tenderness as you continue to prepare my hands for battle. I am willing to be emptied as you give me yourself with which I can stand. Your grace has led me to a never ending river that gives me life as I drink. I now approach with all that I am and deliver my heart as an offering.

Dancing Heart

2010-03-27T01:02:00.000-07:00

You hold out your hand to invite me close.
I take your hand and let you draw me in.
You guide my feet so I know how to follow.
I love to feel your strong arms around me.
You quickly pull me up when I stumble.
I know you won’t let me fall as I trust you.
You clothe me in your beauty and majesty.
I’m alive with joy as you spin me around.
You cause me to smile from the inside out.
I am dancing with a love stronger than death.
Your music constantly sweeps me off my feet.
I know you will always be there to catch me.

The Gift of Family

2010-03-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

It has been almost nine months since I met the only man I had ever truly loved and who showed me first hand who God really is. And now just a few months since God took him right back out my life. I have never experienced such grief in my entire life. It was much worse than losing my own father to death. As my sorrow and pain grew more intense, I found myself closer to God in the process. In so many words, I was given a gift. Let me try to shed some light on this gift. Try to picture the most profound, life changing, wonderful, mysterious, and romantic gift wrapped up with a bow. But also imagine that included with this gift was an extreme amount of pain, sorrow, and suffering all in the same package.

Now that I look back, I think was it worth opening? I say, absolutely yes! And now, I see that the only way I could grow was for me to be left in my pain. I cried myself to sleep so many nights in loneliness. I was all alone and the only one I was left to cry out too was God. This forced me to surrender all I had to Him. I battled with my thoughts and had many late night conversations with Him. I said, “Am I not good enough to have that kind of love in my life? Will I ever have someone that loves me this much? How can you answer my prayer and then take it right back away from me?"

After many sorrowful hours, and days of telling God about my pain and suffering, I became more intimate with Him. I worshiped and prayed hours a day. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit so strong. I watched miracle after miracle. I began to realize how very close He was to me all along and now it was so intense that I was feeling it. I was pretty excited to see Him moving through my life and so quickly the changes were happening too. I finally had peace in my house. My kids and I had a better relationship, it was so much better. We were so much happier without all the arguing. But then I started having flashbacks of things that were spoken to me. Like when you’re really walking with God the testing will come. But things were going so great. I almost felt untouchable and I knew God had my back.

I found myself doing all sorts of ministries. And now I see that God taught me something important through all of it. I found that in my worship, I began to really love Him with all my heart. I told God that I wanted to give Him my life and to be really close to Him no matter what it took. I wanted to be more like Him. I didn’t really take into consideration what I was truly asking. I pictured myself willing to die for Him because that’s how much I grew to love Him. But then I began to realize that death was easy and that living was the real challenge. I had no comprehension of how hard it really was going to get. And then the winds of testing blew forth…

At first the challenges were hard but not unbearable. I was writing sermons and speaking in front of friends and strangers at a local coffee house. It was fun to see myself growing in an area that I was very uncomfortable with. This is one way you can tell God is growing you, when it’s uncomfortable. This went on for a couple of months. There was resistance and I found myself telling Him, “Why me?” I also told Him that I just couldn’t do it and only after just a couple months, imagine that. But then He reminded me of Moses and when God told Moses that he was to go and free His people. Well, Moses argued with Him and didn’t want to go either but he did end up obeying and God used Moses to lead the people out of slavery.

So I ended up saying, “Okay God, I’ll do it.” In those two months, I started to finally be more comfortable with speaking in front of people and the last message He had me write was called, “Listen and Surrender.” I realized later that He was speaking to me. He revealed to me that I was so busy “doing” that I wasn’t listening as much. I got so wrapped up in ministry that the hours a day with Him became shorter and shorter until I found that the only time I was spending with Him was corporately not in private. That’s when things became even more difficult.

Now that I got over one big hurdle another one came. I was finally listening to God tell me to give up things that I was working so hard to accomplish for Him. Like the coffee shop, I had such a vision for that place that people were going to be worshiping there. I could just taste it. And, now that I realized I was finally doing what He asked, He told me to stop. I was like huh?!!? What!! I was learning a hard lesson, obedience. I find out later that it wasn’t even about the coffee shop, it was about my obedience to Him and that I was in for a serious wake up call. I took one thing He said and I ran with it, I didn’t listen along the way. It was like the layers were being stripped off one by one. These layers had names; pride, selfishness, bitterness, it got pretty ugly. But whatever it takes, right?

At the same time God said it was time to let go of a couple ministries, He also revealed something really important that I had forgotten. The same thing love was just speaking into my life months ago. That I need to put my family first and now I am understanding the truth of this and how very hard it is. This is much more difficult than preaching a sermon in front of a crowd, leading a group of young adults, even a bit more difficult than losing someone you love with all your heart. It’s frightening actually, to have God reveal the ugly things in your own heart. I had forgotten that I was just asking Him to reveal the things in my own heart that need to come out. And there it was right in my face and here it is...

I wasn't loving my kids the way they needed to be loved. You can’t share something you don’t have but now that I had been shown the true love of God, I had it to share. So how could I continue to withhold it from them any longer? But now things were even more difficult because I had to accept the fact that the only man I've ever truly loved was moving away. So I had this love but I also had such pain. Remember that gift I was talking about earlier? So I wrestled with God that this was a different kind of love. But He said, “No, I am love and there’s only one true love." All this time, I assumed that I loved my kids but I hadn’t yet learned that there was more to this real love. Love is not easy, it’s so very hard, it comes with obedience, sacrifice, patience, and so much more. And above all, it's worth the pain and suffering that comes with it. God will do whatever it takes to draw us to Him.

Psalm 27:4

The Depths of Love

2010-03-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

There’s something deep inside of me that wants to go deeper. I am not content with only a moment in your presence. O my Love, how much longer will I resist you? Oh this burning in me is like a raging wind. It’s no surprise that I want to be alone with you. Why Father, when I listen to you, they seem to know what’s best for me? Why when I express my passion for you, they dismiss me? O Lord, why such hypocrisy? The enemy spends so much time trying to steal me away from you. Oh but this love we share nothing can separate. Your lovingkindness is so precious to me that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. There is no comfort for this endless aching inside of me. And this longing in me, I cannot survive without having you near. O my Love, take me further into your depths.

For You

2010-02-02T23:15:00.001-08:00

With one bone you fashioned me.
From a place that protects the heart.
You were broken to make me whole.
I was created to love and to be loved.
Made me a reflection of your creativity.

We were created in His perfect image.
I am different yet formed from your side.
Willing to be broken to secure your heart.
I am fit and pleased to lay down my life.
Made from His hand to be your companion.

From His own heart you were shaped.
Created to protect and for me to love you.
You were armed to be a powerful warrior.
From a piece of you, He fashioned me.
So be careful for I am strong yet fragile.

The Farewell

2009-12-31T18:18:00.000-08:00

Gray clouds filled the sky in the cold, moisture filled air that was still settling from the early morning. The dull sound of phones rang while voices came from a hall in the office building. The young woman peered out her office window that was blocked by a tall cement structure that she would often jokingly say; was put there to prevent workers from jumping out the window. She wondered if she could get off work early as her heart raced; she knew that the man she loved was moving away and she may never see him again. Her heart sank as she thought of him being at a further distance than he already was.

The young woman got up from her desk and went through the doorway; she walked down the hall towards her manager's office. “Can I take a half day today instead of tomorrow?” She asked "My best friend is leaving town and I don’t know when I’ll see him again.” Her boss looked at her with a piercing glare and said, “I suppose.” She responded with a “Thank you!” She turned and ran back down the hall towards her office. Her excitement was temporarily covering up the sorrow that she knew she would soon have to come to terms with.

It began raining as she forcefully broke through the building doors, trying to remember where she had parked her car; searching for her car as though it was her heart, lost in the parking lot. “Calm down,” She told herself. “I have to hurry before he leaves.” At last she remembered where she had parked and rushed to open her car door. She knew it was at least a forty-five minute drive but she could make it in thirty minutes; she would have driven hours if she had to, heading towards the freeway entrance.

The music played in the background as she anticipated his face opening the door. She questioned whether he would be happy or angry to see her but she didn’t care which; she couldn’t let him leave without saying goodbye. The big city came into view as she ignored the tall buildings that surrounded her. It took all she had to keep her heart from beating out of control. “Please God, let him be home, I have to at least say goodbye,” She prayed. Thinking in the back of her mind, “I wonder if he knows I’m coming.”

Counting down the exits off the freeway, she remembered how it felt to hold him in her arms. She felt the tears accumulating in her eyes. “Get a grip!” “You can’t show up there crying,” She told herself. Turning her right blinker on, she headed off the freeway exit and rushed to the stop light. The light turned green and she made a swift right turn and continued down the street. Finally his apartment building was in view and she quickly pulled into the parking lot. Taking a deep sigh, she flung the door open and jumped out of the car. She walked slowly down the stairs, taking extra precaution not to take a stumble as she was in no condition to be walking; her heart skipping a beat with every step.

Finally his apartment door was in front of her and without hesitation, she knocked. His voice responded quickly but she wasn’t sure what he said, a comfortable relief came over her heart; her mind trying to catch up, now that she was certain he was home. The door opened and with a stunned expression and then a smile, he rapidly shut the door. “One second,” He said. She was completely distracted with the uncertainty of what would happen next. He obviously had just woken up with a sleepy look on his face, his brown hair reaching in all directions; all she desired to do was hold him. She pondered what thoughts were bolting through his mind.

Promptly the door opened again and he came outside. Time stopped her and immediately she realized that this was going to be much more difficult than she was prepared for. She gave up trying to hide the expression of her love that must have been beaming from her face while looking him in the eyes. Words from her heart came out and with a loving, slightly upset and questioning tone she said, “You couldn’t possibly leave without letting me say goodbye.” He invited her in and the door closed behind them.

After a while, the night sky came and it was time for the final farewell. The stars shined brightly in the sky above as she held him in her arms and didn’t want to let go. In that moment, she felt the most joy that the embrace was returned. After leaving, returning and leaving again, she drove away and waived in an ocean of tears and sorrow. She reached the freeway entrance and heading in the direction of her home, she felt as though she was leaving a piece of her soul.

As she drove down the freeway, her spirit wailing a cry that she had never heard or imagined. The sound resembled the expression of the death of a closest loved one. Trying to see through an ocean in her pain, she cried out to God for death. She gave up all control of the wheel and as an angel or God himself drove her car forty-five minutes; she finally arrived home safely, drowning in her tears. As she opened the car door with strength not her own, she dragged herself to the front door of her home.

The young woman crawled into her bed, cried out to God, and was surprised she had any tears left at all. She began to see visions and finally understood how big was the love of God and why Jesus died on the cross. At this point, she was willing to lay her life down for God and finally knew what it meant. Hours later she realized that she had just experienced the most painful and wonderful thing; the true love of God. As the young woman was branded with a new love on her heart, she pictured the only man she ever truly loved; as she smiled from her heart, a thank you and farewell.

Calling Deep

2009-12-31T00:29:00.000-08:00

Am I selfish for craving more of you?
I desire to encounter you even deeper.
Must I neglect this body that you created?
Please don’t keep your warmth from me.
Am I to hide myself from the reflection?
These thoughts rage against my mind.
Should I bind my hands behind my back?
This desolate land is all I have left to give.
Do you wish me to be alone with you?
I’m not confident I can ache much more.

Will you take this hunger away from me?
I can’t take the distraction from your love.
Can you remove my heart and replace it?
I pray for your power to endure this pain.
Is it too much for me to ask for all of you?
I want to consume all my time with you.
Why do the trivial things come to make war?
You must take me all the way with you.
Can you reveal to me what that looks like?
I ask you to fashion me into your likeness.

Agape Cry

2009-12-27T23:42:00.000-08:00

This world has nothing that can fill this longing you have placed in me. Your presence is the only freedom that I can find. I’m fighting against these oppressive spirits that attempt to torment me and I realize this is an everyday battle that I’m breathing with you. My soul cries out with groans as I’m compelled to give up my only desire again. I am so alone in this room filled with people as I search and put on delight. I pant and thirst for you and ask for you to capture me. O God, When and how will you release me from this dust? I bear such discomfort that it cannot be painted simply with words. You suggest this is only giving birth to what I must resign myself to. I know I’m weak, lowly, not worthy of your affection. You know that I want nothing more than your love to rest upon me. I find nothing compares to the favor that you pour on me in our secret place. I give up all control as I place myself on your alter and your fire burns within me.

The Girl and Her Lover

2009-12-12T23:19:00.001-08:00

It was a bitter cold night, the kind of night that steals your very breath away. The girl pictured herself strolling along the ocean with the roasting sand sifting between her toes. As she carried herself beside the shore, the waves began to crash against her feet. The sun escaped quickly below the clouds as the light threw back colors in the sky. She closed her eyes and grabbed hold of what was left of the warmth that was scurrying from her. The darkness swallowed the sky and the stars came swiftly to the rescue. She could hear her lover calling for her and she became completely lovesick.

The girl noticed a beautiful flame a distance away and longed for its warmth. She headed in that direction and could hardly lift her feet as she carried a yoke of emptiness and sorrow on her shoulders. She began to grieve and was taken aback that she had any tears left at all. Dropping to her knees, she understood that she was isolated, shivering, and had nothing left. With no courage to put down the yoke, she struggled to her feet and continued walking towards the flame. Each step became more difficult as she pulled her feet from the sand.

The flame held her eyes in place as she encountered a stirring inside of her. The beads of salt poured down her face and vanished into the darkness. The weariness clothed her and was present all over her face. She struggled to collect herself as she drew closer. The single flame transformed into a consuming fire. She savored the heat and at last entered into its presence. She released the yoke into the fire and fell to her knees. She took a deep breath and sighed with relief. As she felt the fire burning, the heat dried up her tears. She closed her eyes and fell asleep in the warmth of her lover’s arms.

Beloved

2009-12-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

I turn my heart to you in the midst of this battle.
You teach me of your continuous presence.
I then find myself beaming with great joy.
You show such favor that I can barely endure.
I live and ache for you to reveal your glory.
Thank you for the faith that you lay upon me.
I shelter myself in your Word and it comes alive.
My flesh is submitted to your Spirit that’s in me.
I will suffer urgently in whatever way to be refined.
Your living water flows through this arid abyss.
I hunger and thirst for more of your freedom.
This breathtaking flame of yours unites our affection.
I only desire to possess your Spirit deeper within me.
You give me the power to love you without ceasing.

My Castle

2009-11-26T22:41:00.000-08:00

You stepped into my castle and gave me a gift.
I discovered a love that I am willing to die for.
My spirit cries out for I have lost you it seems.
I am reminded of the purpose for this pain.
I know that I will never be able to let you go.
This has me embracing the death of this life.
I long to see your face after this body is gone.
We will never stop fighting for you to the death.
I see true love dancing with my long suffering.
You helped me welcome my purpose in this life.
I now bear the passion my beloved has for me.
My past no longer hinders me and I walk straight.
I experienced restoration and true forgiveness.
My path is lit as I walk with my father’s boldness.
Together we illuminate in the darkness as one.
I have the freedom now to run beside my beloved.
Thank you for loving me enough to turn away.
I will always have a place in my castle for you.

Awestruck

2009-11-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

I can no longer keep this voice hidden.
You bring me life and make me whole.
I’m ignited as I call out for more of you.
I’m astonished by your grace and mercy.
You show me that you’re trustworthy.

I’m here at your feet seeking your face.
You saved me and restored my innocence.
Every day I’m overwhelmed by your love.
I put everything that I have in your hands.
You supply me with a love only you can give.

You set a flame in me surrounded by darkness.
You never stop shaping and changing my heart.
The doubts attempt to rush my thoughts.
But you remind me of your faithfulness always.
I’m finally within reach illuminating for you.

Lover’s Longing

2009-11-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

Something mysterious has happened.
You touched me and now I thirst for you.
I’m forced to submit my will to you.
This perfect love abducts my soul.
For the emptiness is beyond my power.
I discovered this bond is eternal.
You give light to me and I ache for you.
I abandon myself as I am transformed.
I feel there are no bounds of time.
For you are in the very depths of my heart.
I cry out for your strength and protection.
I surrender myself to you completely.
Why must I be tormented by this longing?
O God, deliver me from this suffering.
For I fear, my love may not rescue me.

His Love

2009-11-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you for teaching me to trust. This joy overflows and goes deeper still. I will let this passion grow to no end. We are united by spirit and I love you. Your arms wrap around me in my dreams and kindle a flame so powerful. My faith knows nothing can sever this. I will never stop protecting this and all It takes is His Love.

One Body

2009-10-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

I ask your people to go with me and spread your word. Why is no one willing? You stir my soul to reach your people. Why do I find myself so alone? I feel your spirit rising up in me. I search for those you have called. Where are your people my Lord? I will go where you tell me to go and I will say what you tell me to say. I will be like you my Lord. Will no one come with me? God please give me the strength I need. O Lord, wake up the body and bring them to their knees. I sense your justice is near. Your love and wrath pour out of one heart. Your love is so deep and your patience so wide. Will they not listen? You will bring revival by removing the sin from the earth. How much longer will they reject your spirit? The strongholds grip them tightly. I give myself to your purpose and I will fight for your people. Oh hear my cry O Lord, and send us for we are one body.

I Love You

2009-10-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

I can’t seem to get enough of your presence.
Your joy overflows in me and satisfies my every need.
I desire nothing more than to entrust my life to you.
Your flame fills our secret place and I cannot restrain it.
I realize now that I can trust you with all things.
Your mercy is so strong that I just long to declare it.
I recognize your spirit is unshakable and I know I love you.

I only thirst to be more like you every instant I breathe.
Your arms cherish me and I discern you are all I need.
I am so fortunate that you are forever faithful to me.
You understand me greater than I could ever know myself.
I will at no time let go of your hand that holds me up.
You told me that you’ll do all that you said you would.
I have a forceful and absolute faith that you will.

I crave nothing more than to fulfill your every command.
You continue to bless me more than I could ever imagine.
I find you moving through our lives like never before.
You are so wonderful that no words can express your love.
I long to see your face and I am filled with your spirit.
You are always so good to me that I cannot stop smiling.
I love you and I live to proclaim my affection for you eternally.

The Church

2009-10-25T01:12:00.000-07:00

The girl entered the unfamiliar door of a church with her friends. She walked into the sanctuary and sat in a pew. She absorbed the presence of the Holy Spirit. She recognized right away the body of believers surrounding her. But she noticed a man’s spirit in torment sitting in front of her wearing an orange t-shirt. She saw his spirit fighting against a legion. He obviously felt uncomfortable as he got up and moved to the other end of the pew. The girl saw a picture of his freedom and her obedience. The man wandered through the back doors. The spirit stirred in her until she was forced to go pray for the man. She got up from the pew and headed through the doors. As she opened the door she found the man walking in circles. “Can I pray for you?” she said. The man looked surprised and hesitated. “I don’t think I need prayer,” he said. The girl asked again two more times and the man gave in. The girl led him to a nearby chair. The girl started praying in the spirit and the words came. The man’s anger rose and she spoke to him softly in truth. The man began weeping and cried out to God as he found his freedom.

Freedom

2009-10-25T00:47:00.000-07:00

The young woman walked by the light post quickly through the darkness. “I can only do this in your strength,” she thought. “What am I doing down here?” Suddenly, she was reminded of why she was there in the first place. The air of downtown felt cold and empty as she breathed in a deep breath. “Only you can do this Lord, only you,” she said. She approached two young teens riding their skate boards around a fountain with lights that hung from above. “Keep walking,” a voice said. She continued to walk briskly but suddenly felt the need to slow down a bit. She noticed a woman sitting against a wall on the ground up ahead with her face looking down. As she approached the woman, she noticed that the woman looked broken and lost. “That’s her,” the spirit cried loudly. “Okay, Lord,” she replied. She walked up to the woman and then stopped in front of her. She fell to her knees and the woman looked up at her. She looked in the woman’s eyes and the woman looked surprised. The young woman just started praying for healing and freedom and the woman started weeping. “I’m so sorry God," the woman cried. The woman fell to her knees and began to call out to God for help. “He sent me to you,” the young woman replied. “He wants you to have freedom.” The bondage broke off of the woman as the tears poured down her face.

Jealous Flame

2009-10-24T03:50:00.004-07:00

When I searched for you, I discovered your closeness to me. I now open my arms to loneliness and I love to ache for your name. You love me so much that you want me all to yourself. I found my purpose in you and now I pursue you desperately. I will invest in your people for eternity until the world is no more. As your kingdom dwells within us, you prepare us for a day like no other. Your spirit cries out for our sorrow and pain. You will bring justice to the earth like a mighty storm. O Lord, may we not receive grace in vain. Your flame consumes us and brings true change.

Abba,

2009-10-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

If what I’m holding onto is not for me, please take it from me. The more I ask you to release me, the more you fill me up. Is this truth that my heart speaks of? As I run to you, I am tested with your time. This undying love that I possess, keeps me alive. I beg you to lift it off unless your will calls for it. What are you teaching me? I give up all my desires as I rest in your arms. Never before, have I believed something so sacred. If this is your gift, I will cherish it forever and defend it with my life. Your spirit tells me to trust and now I will only look to you with a love no words can describe.
~Your Daughter

Greenhouse

2009-10-15T04:08:00.000-07:00

The woman paused for a moment and lifted her face up against the sky as she embraced the sunlight that pierced through the trees. “Oh, how I love the warmth on my face,” she thought. She proceeded to stroll down a roughly paved pathway through the park. Every step required stability as she adjusted the sharp gravel beneath her feet. She always attempted to remove herself from the restlessness that the world had to offer. She headed in the direction of a familiar greenhouse furnished with exotic plants and vibrant glass sculptures. This place was attractive to her because it was rarely occupied by anyone. As she reached the door, she breathed in a sweet fragrance of endless flowers that she could not name. “How lovely,” she said. The plants captivated the light that gave them life through the glass paneled ceiling. She approached a lonely wooden bench set in the corner of the greenhouse. Her heart sank as the bench reminded her that she was alone. She sighed softly taking a deep breath, and sat down. “How much longer?” she wondered. She began to peruse a book that a friend handed her a couple days earlier. Her intention was to escape for a moment but as she started to read, she discovered her own life on each page. She was astonished as it put her life in perspective and unraveled the passion and sorrow held deep within her. Recognizing right away that a transformation was taking place, she reached for a strength that she had not yet known. “O Lord, fill me,” she said. Suddenly, a veil lifted from her eyes and joy came upon her. She jumped from the bench, held the book against her heart, and ran out the greenhouse door with endless appreciation.

The Garden

2009-10-11T19:27:00.001-07:00

The young girl crashed through the doors and flew down the stairs as the tears rolled down her cheeks like a rushing flood. Her heart was broken as she thought of the loss of her friend. She ran to the garden, hid herself and fell to the ground weeping. Her hands clenched up as if she held something precious in them. She was swept off her feet as the pain shook her to the bone. “Why must I lose you?” she cried. As she sat up and looked around at the beautiful garden, she couldn’t help but think of how he helped her pull the weeds and plant the seeds. She slowly opened her hand and looked at a small precious seed. “You are just like me,” she thought. “I will plant you so you can grow tall and bear much fruit.” She planted the seed as her tears landed in the soil. She rested in the garden and waited for the sun to come out. As the sun broke through the clouds, she heard a voice say, “Now that I’ve planted you in my garden, you will grow.” She stood up, wiped the tears from her face and smiled.

Prologue

2009-10-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

The young girl sat on the roughly edged cement stairs with her chin resting on her knees. She held the tips of her shoes in place as she rocked herself back and forth. "I don't want the night to come again," she thought, lifting her face towards the sky. Hedya enjoyed the warmth of the sun on her back as she imagined a large set of arms wrapped around her shoulders. A chilling and familiar voice yelled her name loudly as she shrieked with fear. Immediately, she flew from her pleasantly absorbed moment of release, up the stairs and through the dreaded door.

The night sky came quickly as the apple tree forcefully crashed against the bedroom window. Hedya trembled in her bed as she gazed into a blackness with no end. The dreams came and she saw herself walking through what looked like an alley way. The sky-scraping walls encircled her and the sky was the only home that appeared reachable. Flashes of her life consumed her thoughts with people, places and what felt like a flame burned inside of her. The knowledge became heavy without reason as she carried forward. She soon found herself hovering through the sky with voices speaking and the noise of what sounded like a war...

Heartland

2009-10-03T01:06:00.000-07:00

The girl looked out the window as she embraced confidence. The rolling drops of dew assembled upon the lens she searched through. She turned her face away from the glass filled frame that barely stood in place. Her eyes combed the dark filled empty space that hovered below the white rocky ceiling. She glanced at each corner and questioned the strength of the structure that surrounded her. She looked in a painting that stared back at her with a single eye that peered halfway through a single pain window. She watched the earth turn to dust as it filled up the glass time keeper. The stars shined in the distance as they lit up the waters beneath it. The river forced itself upward through each crevice of the earth’s foundation until a fountain reached the sky. The life overflowed onto the hills that held the faces with sleeping eyes. The colorful pictures of her scattered life hung on the wall, hidden behind the door. Her dreams held captive in an old worn black guitar case in a corner of the room. An empty suitcase, boxes of colors, hidden drawings, and old pictures filled the closet floor. The dresser trapped years of writings that absorbed salty rain drops. Her heart collected faces that surrounded the reflection of her face in the mirror. The candles burned in the darkness as the incense danced with her thoughts. She wore a heart shaped badge on her chest bound behind a shiny piece of glass. She laid her head upon her hands as she effortlessly shut her eyes. The music notes stretched well passed the earth’s borders and returned back to her through the key shaped hole that led to her castle. Her identity found upon the shelf of her dream filled wooden headboard.

The Story

2009-09-20T03:19:00.000-07:00

The woman sat at her computer and sighed with relief as her hands curled up as a foundation for her chin to rest upon. She read stories by a Theologian who held all the faith needed in the world to move any mountain. She wondered if his thoughts were delighted by her enough for a non-fiction story. The stories she read came alive with every letter that formed each word. It was like he understood her life and knew of her before. Her feet were cold so she gently tucked her black and white striped slippers underneath her thighs as she sat on her chair. She pondered and hoped he could feel the love that stirred in her soul for him. As she doubted in her flesh, a voice spoke to her that reassured her he knew. "Is this part of the story?" She asked.

The woman was curious as to which project to start next. She pictured a beautiful acrylic painting of a distant young boy she loved and was afraid that her work couldn't even come close to expressing it. She gave some thought to finish writing her book on Spiritual Warfare but couldn’t get passed the thoughts that attacked her lack of skill. She desired to draw a family portrait but was overcome by the pain of their distance. She considered picking up her guitar and singing a song she wrote but didn't have the strength.

As she read another story, she was amazed at how many gifts he held in his spirit. Not to mention, so many talents she lost count. The formation of the plot and theme came together like love at first sight. The colorful and carefully put thoughts jumped off the paper and engraved on her heart. "I’ve never known anyone with that much strength." She thought. Reading his directions, she leaned her arms on her desk and let her finger tips rest on the cold black dust collecting keyboard. She attempted to type on a blank page as she ignored her bitter cold hands. His words came alive and sunk deep within her and touched her soul. Her heart tossed around thoughts that started to have a sheer light about them. The clarity came and she began to type the words. She recognized his passion and comforted loneliness as she realized she was not the only one. She discovered strength inside realizing that she is not completely alone in the world. She wondered if her prayers had reached him yet. "I know they have." She said.

The man’s stomach grumbled as he thought about his need for food but ignored it, completely consumed by his writing. He viewed a picture of the woman and could see beyond what she saw within herself. A familiar song came on that formed pictures in his mind. "Could it work?" He questioned. He fought against the doubt that came upon him and love filled him up. He got up from his bed and walked through the doorway and made a quick left to the kitchen. He craved a perfectly cooked steak as he grabbed a can of soup from the pantry. He looked around the kitchen and wished he had the motivation to clean the dishes off the counter tops. "I will focus better after some food." He thought.

The man sat on his bed with his back to the corner of his room. He listened to music to help him focus on his purpose. He gazed at his computer as his fingers moved each screen to the next. The loneliness gripped him as he quietly wept. He read her stories and wondered if she’d ever be ready for him. His thoughts traveled miles a minute and he felt a bit of comfort in his way of dealing with them. He continued to search for someone as she frequently came up in his heart. In his quiet corner, he felt a love that put arms around his emptiness. His heart carefully broke apart each visual that created a story. His logic fought with his passion as he carefully thought out each battle. He sent her a prayer. "When will you know I’m ready?" She pleaded.

Secret Place - Part III

2009-09-10T01:35:00.000-07:00

On my face, I cast myself upon your feet. Perfectly immersed by your loveliness, you broke off chains I didn’t know were there. Drowning in your grace and mercy, I couldn’t lift myself up off my knees. You gathered me up and brought me to my feet strong like a tree. You opened me up and carved your truth upon my heart. Your love dug and planted in me an unstoppable, overflowing well. Your living water filled me and replaced every breath in me. I collapsed again in adoration.

You picked me up and carried me. I could no longer taste the heavy burdens of a lifetime. You revealed to me a sea of your people drowning. I was overcome by an unexplainable sadness. This uncontrollable sorrow and infinite joy both overpowered my being as one. I recognized urgently as I towered to my feet. You supplied me with power and clothed me in armor. I will spend my life with you and seek out your people. The lost will be my purpose. I will walk in your ways and die if need be.

He

2009-09-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

When I’m ready and my love catches me, I will be a prize. My eyes will light up with fire. My feet are unstoppable as I walk in power. I lift my chin up high and worship. He holds me steadfast and comforts my heartache. My growth is unstoppable and He’s never done with me. My wisdom increases unceasingly. He readies me for an undertaking I cannot comprehend. He perfects a love for me that I’ve only just begun to understand. This Holy fear is what satisfies me. My submission will return me to Him hastily. My faith increases with every breath. He separates me from this world to step in His power. He overflows me with the assurance that I will remain with Him forever. He never forsakes me. He draws me up quickly for something wonderful. Simply amazing is…He.

Recognize Me

2009-09-03T00:38:00.001-07:00

As you teach me of your unconditional love, I encounter myself on this journey with you. Beyond my mind, I find myself. I am flourishing at a lively pace to find you anticipating me. You are growing as well. You support me and I break free from my hindrances. I get the feeling that I’ve known you for lifetimes upon lifetimes. Why do you appear unable to abide my existence? This flaming yet unstoppable need, I cannot describe.

I now have relief and no longer need to search for you. You cherish my spirit and make me healthy. You give me wholeness and bring me to life. In a single glance, all of my fears and doubts fall away. All that is burdensome you make light. Created to serve humanity together, my heart testifies the truth of who you are. This love is all that I recognize because it is the only thing that sets us free.

Conquered Heart

2009-08-24T02:38:00.001-07:00

The loneliness inhales me and I die for release. I can no longer take it. I claim an abundance of what you hunger for. This flame incinerates my soul for your absence is too generous for me. Why is love so afflicting? You know I’m humbled by your separation. Oh torment!! In my chamber of seclusion, I find a meadow of promise. Oh my words to no avail! My concealed wailing takes me without rest again and again. I’m stretched out facing the dusk in this place. The radiance opens my arms and stirs my soul. Why must you lavish me only to ensnare it once more? You communicate Faith and Hope to me. Is it your voice I attend? You hear my sobbing and recognize my tears. I strongly desire union in your arms. How deep must I sustain this? You hold me up suspended as I break, seized by you. I uncover myself submitted to you without end. Carve out my uncertainty and present me a refined heart. Is this intimacy I’m living with you? I will cling to this if it delivers me to you. Oh conquer my heart!

Secret Place – Part II

2009-08-20T02:36:00.000-07:00

Set apart in the darkness, I came upon a sweet fragrance. My yearnings for you grew bold and beyond my senses. I found myself walking in your presence. I discovered a beautifully decorated and highly cultivated garden. The grace and truth threw me to my knees. You enlightened me with true happiness and joy for your people. I glanced in a mirror that seemed to accumulate rapidly from my vision. You opened my eyes to resist the temptations of this world. I heard a whisper that spoke of “divine serenity”.

Oh where is my strength? Oh please, release my soul and quench the flame that surrounds me. I am troubled in my tarrying and my heart bleeds. Grant me wings to find freedom and possess true virtue. Guide my feet and equip me with your power. For you give me the daily strength I need to labor. As my will takes command, I consume and breathe in your pure holiness. I will reside in your sweetness until I can no longer stand. As I fall face down, draw me closer to you and carry me in your hands.

More Life

2009-08-18T01:47:00.000-07:00

In Faith, I threw my body down upon a stone. I gave up all that was left in me. In a moment before my eyes, you were in my very presence. My heart was held hostage with a single word. In my turmoil, I found my love and my life. Oh how you embrace the secrets that I hold inside of me. In my affliction, I found something I had only dreamt of. If only you could see what I know and you do. The lightning flashes through my heart and the thunder keeps it beating. In my pain, my members went to war with my emotions. I found myself in the comfort of your arms. Oh how precious your words speak to me so softly. My joy grows so wide and deep I can no longer hide it selfishly. Through this refining fire where you brought me, I found you. In my silence, I lift you up and see you smiling. In my distance, I feel you even more close to me. I was falling fast and you took on the battle in me. Oh how sweet are your humble words that reach me. I recognize you everywhere because I know you. The battle in my mind pulled me apart not because of my anguish but because I knew that you loved me. You gave me something that I cannot find the words for. In Hope, that I will give it to you.

Without Condition

2009-08-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

I’m wrapped up inside this love that takes me home. I held you inside without condition. You brought me life and gave me pain. Your words ring clear and move my soul. I walk in my humbleness and ache quietly. I take this love to Him day after day to recover. You built me up and pulled me apart. Thank you. I gave Him my wound so why must I still bear it? I let it go daily with faith that one day I will have love without condition. I fight against worthlessness and hopelessness. I fall with my love and give it to Him. I am wretched and lowly not worthy of you. I lift my eyes up to my father and He collects my tears. I hold something so precious inside this broken body of mine. My spirit soars as I attempt to throw myself away. My love will protect me and never hold back His love. I am at the mercy of this. Oh father, how many times must you yield my brokenness? The closer I am the more pain I carry. When will my love catch me? Why must love escape me? I deliver my entire life. What else can I offer? How deep must I be affected by you? Deliver me from this battle in me. Where is my love? My spirit thirsts for you. I would die for a love without condition.

Secret Place – Part I

2009-08-16T02:55:00.000-07:00

Each corner of the brightly surrounded corridor is filled with a darkness that sends chills down my spine. I am engulfed in emptiness and surrounded by silence. My heart calls me to preparation for changes to my spirit. My spirit tells my heart, I will be refined. My body now aware of my spirit and I feel a separation taking place in me.

I am on my knees in this darkness, completely vulnerable. His presence enters in the outer room. I yearn to be close and for Him to touch and fill me. I sense Him walking around me and watching my thoughts as they fill the room like incense. Waiting for the right moment, He teaches my spirit of how our love grows.

Oh father, how I detest this body. Please save me from my wretched flesh. Now we are alone and I can tell you I am nothing without you. Please illuminate my soul so I can find my way. I seek your perfect love yet I am not worthy of it. I reach out my hand and ask you to hold me. Set me apart from this world.

You’re Overflowing Magnificence

2009-08-10T06:02:00.000-07:00

I rise up and fly away into my love's arms.
He breaks through me and supplies hope.
Tells me I’m lovely and hugs me everlasting.
I cannot see His face full of golden light.
So magnificent, the sun bows down to Him.
Although your enemies attend to me close.
I hear the whispers speak in the pitch-dark.
No more will they control me with fear.

Your arms open up and reach across the sky.
I look forward to the day I can breathe in you.
Take in arms the love I give back to you.
You redeemed me from my darkest enemies.
They close in on me everywhere I go.
I am not afraid because your love protects me.
So I am delighted because your power is greater.
You are worthy and no other is greater than you.

I will tell the world about your precious light.
Keep me on the right path you have ordained for me.
My mind is cluttered but my heart is overflowing.
Any minute now you will deliver me and I will be free.
I will forever love and live in your presence eternally.
No more interruptions of the darkness pulling at me.
Because you know my heart and only you see me.
My enemies do not have the power that they claim.

Only a second to call on your name and you arrive.
You replenish me back up with your eternal majesty.
My light shines brighter that no darkness can seal.
I recognize the earth so small and your love is revealed.
Every knee will surrender to your voice as you call out.
The horses will draw in and your love will declare.
When will you arrive and unleash us from this place?

The time is written and we have already conquered.
Multitudes more will learn of your great loving arms.
Lead my spirit with yours and announce where to go.
I will accept and come after you against the face of fear.
Through the darkened valleys I will go for you always.
The time is close and I will surely gaze upon your face.
Your tears flow a steady stream for your people.
Thank you for never taking your love away from me.

What have we become?

2009-08-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Fastened in complacent desolation, too hectic to utter a word.
Driving and engaged to the sky wishing, hoping the sky unfolds.
The reminiscence breaks apart the brain as the heart cries out.
Facing ahead, rushing to go nowhere.
Too much pride felt inside to attend to the right or left.
Shaken to death of change as you thirst for it.

The years seem to have the appearance of months.
Hardly enough energy to communicate a word.
Oh God catch the heart because it’s the only thing left to declare.
What’s this? What have we become?
Help us wake from this trance again.
The music helps address the connection of the truth.

Forgetfulness comes to easy these days.
The faces are vacant and the laughter few and far between.
Too frozen to smile or look straight in the eyes.
Just scrambling to get elsewhere and be alone once more.
What is it that we are deprived of?
I would bet my life that it’s love.

To keep such magnificence wrapped up to not share.
When all the while wanting nothing more than to be understood.
Driving feels like company on the way home.
Inspecting their faces as they stroll by,
You wish they would look at you and take the time.
Is this what we’ve become?

Tomorrow Is Better

2009-08-10T05:59:00.000-07:00

I will move on because tomorrow is better.
I sense an uproar of joy burning endlessly.
I shall get up and breathe in the air.
I will not let these shadows acquire me.
My joy is ever so courageous and abundant.
I choose to reach high and above the desolate fall.
My laughter will be heard from every dwelling.
The light beams from each corner of my smile.
My heart has ultimately won this fight.
My character has grown and sustained.
Confusion never was the complication inside.
It was your eyes I ventured to introduce to light.
I will never give up in my dream for you.
But I will not linger in the same space quietly.
I will climb up and cast down the heartache instilled.
The time will pass when you will look back.
I will be missing from your grasp for always.
Never will this love be at your finger tips again.
So I express farewell and aspire the utmost for you.
I can taste the love that is waiting for me.
I feel the fresh loving encompass that awaits.
My lasting smile is so powerful that it mourns.

Thank You

2009-08-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

You left me in the dark to suffer.
The pain consumed me and dried me out.
Completely wrapped up without a bow.
You left me to wander in my own loneliness.
My body shook and the tears ran out.
Discovered I was again full of light.
You left me to find my love once again.
Thank you for turning away from me.

You met me in the dark to leave me there.
Caught by surprise and struck by beauty.
Experienced your life in a glimpse of pain.
You held me for a moment to ease the sting.
This pattern trickled down and on to me.
Understand what you felt you gave to me.
You didn't know the affect you had on me.
Thank you for turning away from me.

You were afraid of what you saw in me.
What you saw doesn't even come close.
The pain dwindles and fades away from you.
You have no idea the burden I now carry for you.
It doesn't even matter the pain I now feel.
Best describes the love that I will never let go of.
You walked me into the dark only to find light.
Thank you for turning away from me.

Swept Off My Feet

2009-08-10T05:56:00.002-07:00

I grow drenched in your presence.
Saturated with an absolute brilliance.
I long to express adoration to you.
Not lifting one hand but two soar.
I can see your grace continuously.
The river overtakes me as I soak it up.
My enslavement completely shatters.
An unbreakable foundation under my feet.
As I start to collapse you hold me up.
Nothing compares to your presence.
There isn't anything I would exchange it for.
The darkness swarms about my thoughts.
You stand between me and my enemies.
I visit you in the flame and the clouds.
I am addicted to your everlasting presence.
I seek you out to find that it's me you pursue.
Then you remind me that you are alongside me.
I realize now that you never abandoned me.
I found a deeper understanding of your love.
I know in my affliction you suffer with me.
Nothing compares to your loving embrace.
I am once again swept off my feet.

Oh My Soul

2009-08-10T05:56:00.001-07:00

Your cries reach over and beyond.
The chains that bind you are tight.
Your once beautiful wings rest.
Tattered and broken in the dark.
Be delivered oh my soul.

You let confusion steal you away.
Take back your freedom again.
Let the light outside enter in.
I am outside the cave waiting.
You don’t wonder what you are.
You know what you’ve become.

Let your love return you back again.
Tell me who I am if you recognize me.
Your talons drip with crimsons.
Your influence is not your own.
You know what you must call for.
Please request and you will be heard.

I see the beasts that imprison you.
Their acquainted with fear and pain.
They attempt to steal my gifts.
I will at no time bow to them again.
My love lives with me forever.
I call on my love in an instance.

I sense my love overtaking the world.
The world will feel my love again.
The river rushes through the streets.
Why do you fear my voice precious one?
It isn’t hopeless oh my beautiful soul.
Why do you choose the cave of chains?

I wait here for you to embrace free rein.
Ask my love and into the darkness I am.
To break you free from the chains again.
You belong to me, remember your home?
I know who you are, oh my soul!

Notes

2009-08-10T05:55:00.000-07:00

I can see you sitting in the midst of a loud noise.
You have chosen to try to block it out.
The yelling..the scolding...the hurtful words.
As you stay silent waiting for the noise to end.
You have drowned yourself in your own silence.
In the silent noise, you have made your own sounds.
The sound absorbs your thoughts your mind.
You seek for an escape and finally find a way out.
The memories rush over you and the sadness hits.
You seek something that you now lack deep down.
Discovering new memories of the future you do.
Gone again you are...

No Worries

2009-08-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

Faith so strong it won't go wrong.
No doubt that love will get hold of you.
Secure in the arms of love you are.
Happiness is mine and will be yours.
The world so small it reaches you.
The light radiates so brilliant it consumes.
Soaring, no need to wander around.
Carried by the support of his arms.
Lifted hands that claim are given.
Bowed knees that sob so strong.
Tears that overflow and restore the soul.
Thirst for love to weed out the bitterness.
Hunger to smile and hold another.
All the signs are there for you now.
No worries my love.

My Thoughts

2009-08-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

My thoughts shake me to the bone.
I cannot sleep because my dreams keep me awake.
I am flying around keeping watch for you.
I sense you pulling me close and keeping me warm.
You have a place on the stairs where you long me too.
The sun mounts and sets as the hunger comes repeatedly.
I possess a tower of sufferance and passion.
My thoughts keep me awaiting you without exception.
I watch you in that distance afar but you’re near to my soul.
You meet me with an embrace as your heart suffers.
How much longer must I bottle up this love for you?
I will hold back until you are within reach, you are worth it.
You ask the same questions but you are perfect for me.
As you imagine me, I remain on these clouds and dream of you.
I’ve recognized you for so long although we have not joined.
My thoughts promise you’ll treasure me in a little while.

Like A River

2009-08-10T05:52:00.001-07:00

You were colorful in my mind.
I had given up in my quest for you.
But my soul just streamed out.

So this is what it feels like.
In just an instant you appeared.
I’m tumbling and overrun.

The waterfall stranded in my thoughts.
Delivered to my attention.
Such a beautiful creation you are.

Inside I can reach for you.
It took so much time to find you.
Finally rushed into my presence.

Not a wavering in my heart.
A flame now kindling since that spark.
Please arrive again rapidly.

Into Your Arms Beloved

2009-08-10T05:50:00.000-07:00

It's stinging in this distance.
I shaped my weakness further.
My arms are bare and neglected.
I guess I have built illusions.
Where has my heart hidden me?
The sun is tender on my face.
You direct me to hurry far off.
These bonds have bolted me.
I wish for your hand once more.
Please refuse to lose sight of me.

I fall down as far as I fly.
My tears cannot be set right.
Gather me up from this madness.
I listen to words of emptiness.
My hope quickly scurries from me.
The colors are deceiving me.
The oceans depart their cheeks.
My heart suffers as I’m overpowered.
I hold myself up with a tree.
My feet dangle overhead the cliff.

I show up for you but once again.
I am besieged by the shadows.
Call to mind when I was delighted.
I used to call you by your name.
I cry to you over the thunders.
The lightning strikes me daily.
You know my sadness without rest.
I take in the anguish and hang on.
Take it out and bring it to its end.
Clothe me in your outstretched arm.

Deliver back the love I've buried.
The strength that I’ve forgotten.
The love that spilled over in me.
The radiance that corrected my eyes.
The love that defended me higher.
The comfort I wish would uncover me.
I will treasure you if it kills me.
Help me have strength to run.
Into Your Arms Beloved.

I Understand Where You Are

2009-08-10T05:49:00.000-07:00

I will be stronger than you imagine.
I crave more than a question mark.
An indication of any nature would do.
The games you practice are cruel.
My love is even greater than before.
I understand where you are.

The words you use are conflicting.
But I decode them all consistently.
Be mindful of those choices you dwell in.
I face up and I know the changes ahead.
Why are you so stubborn in your ways?
I understand where you are.

I look forward to the day far more.
Why must you delay this affection?
I am continuously torn apart suspended.
Your affliction is visible to me, I get it.
Why won't you let me capture hold of you?
I understand where you are.

I will keep going and no longer look back.
I require something more to help me grasp.
Your voice I eternally consider from afar.
Who are you consulting when I hear?
If I am mistaken please let me know.
I need to understand where you are.

I Can See It

2009-08-10T05:48:00.001-07:00

I can visualize the grace in all directions.
No need for the sun or the moon.
The radiance beams by day and no night.
I can sense the passion so perfect the temperature.
Music not in any way yet apprehended.

Such a brim over of his triumph no room for displeasure.
At no time do you long to close your eyes.
Billows of love come upon you so powerful.
If it wasn't for the spirit it would sweep you off your feet.
I savor this home with a mighty abundance so deep.

I can see the curved upward lips on the angel's faces.
It drives a joy deep in my heart that's ripened over time.
The laughter you discover is angelic and engaging.
Everyone here appears to identify everybody and they do.
Never even a thought to pain or suffering of the past.

So filled with love it overflows and comes back again and again.
The golden colors glisten off the pure white linens.
The eyes are all glowing from the inward burning light.
I am dwelling in this blissful place where my name is now written.
I can see the mountains moving for you as we speak.
I can see a heart so great not even the ocean can fill its deep.

Follow the Road

2009-08-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

I stand deep in the clouds and trees.
The sun crosses my skin in time.
I stay up for my love to reach me.
Where have you been forever?
I hold on in a very fragile state.
My strength soars but I am asleep.
Everything I seem to take upon myself.
I walk every day to restore my heart.
How many seconds must I brave?
What can set me free from falling so far?
I am starving for the love I cannot see.
I rest on the sand and find a song.
The birds come flooding by again.
How many days must I waste for you?
I cry out with a smile on my face.
My life rushes me along as I fill time.
I love the way I feel with you.
But then I awake from my dream.
The road is stretching but not gone.
The distance is close in comparison.
My love reaches farther every day.
It puts into words what I cannot say.
Why do you wonder what I envision?
You know everything I am to you.
I’m burning in hope that you find me.
I hide myself away and watch for you.
Don’t you know the purpose of this?
I am in the light and searching for you.
The darkness conceals you up inside.
I will not be amidst the darkness again.
Only you can be lead into light.
Now you understand why I wait.
Follow the road when the time Is right.

Confused One

2009-08-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

The words that speak so softly....
The sword that hurts so gently....
The voice that pierces so deeply...
The heart that runs so swiftly....

You care....because you’re loved.......

Complete Awe

2009-08-10T05:45:00.000-07:00

I am in that state of wonder.
I visualize the radiant colors.
This was your dwelling place.
You were my closest friend.
All you wanted was my fellowship.
I let you down with a huge mistake.
I am no longer in that beautiful place.
I have reached the ends of the earth.
Your love has never changed.
Shame and fear came over me.
You were still there to cover me.
I am beginning to grasp a piece.
The gifts are taller than I can see.
I have only begun to open them.
The nature of the universe unfolds.
You dwell among us still as before.
On this earth and the visible heavens.
I walk back and forth into your presence.
Your determination baffles my mind.
I hope that all will take hold of this life.
Surrender in awe and understand.
Where you are and where you've been.

Broken

2009-08-10T05:44:00.000-07:00

Too much love for you.
My weakness too great.
Too much love to hold.
No longer able to show.
All I yearned was you.
Why do you drive me away?

Did I do something so awful?
To be worthy of your silence?
Too much love to hold.
I departed for your respect.
But now I'm avoided.
Why did you shove me away?

This love makes me crazy.
Don't you know you're lovely?
Just clarify, I will take it in.
Please don't cause more sorrow.
I hardly have anything left to speak.
Why do you treat me so cold?

I get the picture but it's not okay.
I thought I knew who you were.
Be worthy of more than you give yourself.
Was it too much to love you?
What did I do that was so misconstrued?
I'll never understand this place.

I am falling apart in pieces here.
No mending needle for my broken heart.
I will hold myself together with a smile.
So many bruises and tears.
You will never understand this pain.
I would never leave you broken.

Beautiful Dreams

2009-08-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

My dreams hold your eyes in place.
Your eyes hold me with an embrace.
You long me with every breath of air.
The love you express is open with care.
It is unconditional and everlasting.
My dreams are beautiful as I come to.
Reality comes to me as I let go of you.

You hide me in a cold and quiet corner.
Away from everyone you know of.
Too busy talking about nothing at all.
The cage was my home once before.
I will have to break free from it again.
I cannot be hidden and ignored forever.
You cannot share something you do not have.

Beautiful dreams keep me wanting you.
You do nothing to communicate with me.
I do not know your thoughts about me.
I hear every thought in the room I see.
But you do not share with me so freely.
Will you wake up my love before it is gone?
My eyes tell you every secret I have in me.

You hide your heart even further away.
How much longer will you hide yourself?
Am I not worthy of a love worth showing?
You do not tell me what you see in me.
How many dreams does it take to float apart?
I see you in a dark corner hidden without me.
Will you not reach out for me as I call to you?

Oh my beautiful dreams must I have you?
You bring me grief and pain in the morning.
Why must you tempt me over and over?
How many times must I meet you again?
Come and pick me up and take me away forever.
Smile at me and bring me a dream I can keep.
I wish to say goodnight to my beautiful dreams.

The Secret Light

2009-08-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

A long life of suffering followed this light for years. But one day, the light met Love. The Love was so big it lifted the light up real high and light could see the clouds. Love told the light about her future light in the midst of the darkness that surrounded the light. The light's love became so big for Love that the world became small.

The light realized how much Love, loved her. Love would do anything for the light now because of the love they shared. One night the light came to her Love and asked for help. The Love filled the light with His love. The next day, the light had a visit from her future light and brought help. But the future light had many secrets but so did the light. The light knew she loved her future light. This love is so big that it covered the whole world.

The future light showed the light many things and so did Love. Love came into the light's castle. Love showed her the plans of future light that were harmful to the light. The light was trembling with fear and asked Love for help. The Love covered the light and gave her strength and promised protection. The light still had a love for the future light that was absolute and permanent. This love came from Love.

But, the future light came to love the light. The future light didn't want to hurt the light. The future light was afraid to share the secrets. The light already knew about the future light's secrets. And, because light had such a vast love for future light, light wasn't afraid of the harm. Love promised the light protection. Love told future light about the light and the love.

The light came to help future light find freedom from what bound him. Love told future light to have faith for little future light for healing will come. One day, the future light found a way to reveal to light the story. This was the same story that Love told to his light already. So, light was familiar with the story. But somehow the light had to tell future light about Love.

The light asked future light to be with the light. And, that Love would protect them together. The light waited patiently for an answer from future light. Love asked future light to have faith and be obedient despite fear and that little future light wouldn't need the care after the healing takes place. Love told light to tell future light that everything will be provided. Because Love, loves all Love's lights. Love asked future light to run into the arms of light.

Love covers a multitude of sin.

Roller Coaster

2009-08-04T21:32:00.001-07:00

You can turn away from sin permanently...

Do you ever feel like your life with God is like a "roller coaster?" God is showing you how He loves you and the other times when you don't feel it...it's called, "Faith". Like the difference between being, "in-love" and loving unconditionally by "Choice". Love is a choice. Being in-love is a temporary feeling. But I do believe that the more you spend time with God and get filled with the Holy Spirit, the more you feel His presence. But, He is always with you. He's dealing with those things in your life right now that He wants you to let go of. As soon as you are willing, He will take them and replace them with more of Him. Just keep spending time with Him. Wherever you are or whenever...just go somewhere private and lay on the floor face down or stand and lift up your hands and love Him. Ask for more of Him and less of you, that He will increase and you will decrease. Ask Him to fill you up with rivers of living water to overflowing in you.

When you are weak, He is strong and can use you so much more. He wants to reveal those things in your heart that keep you going through what feels like a "roller coaster ride", up and down. Eventually, you will get sick of the ride and want Him all the time because you will understand how much you can't live without Him. He will bring you to a point of such a strong love for Him that whenever you are not spending time with Him, you will yearn for Him and your heart will ache until you are in His presence. And when you are helping those in need and loving people you will also have His presence. God wants us to understand His love on a deeper level. When you get a hold of this, you will want to obey Him in every way no matter how hard.

Remember, true love is a choice and God chose you.

Sunrise

2009-07-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

She met him in a breath and truly loved.
He reminded her of her true love again.
She saw his soul and his inner most being.
She identified things that she never delivered.
A love this glorious never vanishes or perishes.
She held back much to safeguard him.
She understood more than she declared.
Anticipating he would notice the vision.
If he could only welcome his calling and take it.
Seize the trials and not disregard them.
His father sent him the love he asked for.
But too frightened to open his arms and let it in.
He will convey to his heart and try to advise him.
She will have to deal with the agony of her loss.
She will look to her helper to bring him back to her.
She can envision and looks forward to the sunrise.

At Last

2009-07-16T23:26:00.001-07:00

"Please not them," she said to herself...
"I'm too afraid to tell them about me."
She walked towards them and they spoke to her.
"Come closer," they said to her softly.
Her head hung low as she burned with turmoil.
They blessed her with holiness and prayed.
The words came from Him, that he knew her heart.
All of a sudden the fear was gone and she knew.
She didn't have to say anything.
Her heart was in his hands and she was willing.
He already knew what was about to take place.
It was better than she could have ever imagined.
At last the words spoke freedom over her.
This time, they sunk into her sorrowful heart.
Forgiveness was brought up as she thought,
"Who have I not forgave, I don't know."
"It is yourself you must forgive." He whispered.
He doesn't see you the way you see yourself.
He began to put on each piece of the Full Armor,
Her freedom was finally aligned with her heart.
She held out her hand and grabbed the truth.
Now she lives in the spirit with sword in hand.
Willing to be guided by his wonderful word of light.

The Window

2008-07-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

As she tried to live with the battle in her mind......

She tried to live and find a place of comfort, a place...familiar. No place was found. She reached far and wide but there didn't seem to be a door. There was a window a distance away with a light that seemed to billow through and it kind of hurt her eyes. She tried to gaze through to see something but she just turned away because the harder she looked the more it hurt her eyes. She couldn't get out so she just stood against the window because it felt safe....

The girl grew tired of waiting and standing and her eyes hurt. So the girl closed her eyes to rest them a bit. But then it was too dark to see. She walked around with tired eyes, feeling for something familiar. As time went on her fear seemed to leave and she began to see in the darkness. But her eyes became used to the dark, they no longer hurt from the light. The girl soon forgot about the window with the light.

Eventually, everything she knew to be familiar wasn't at all what it seemed to be. She started to question why she could see in the dark when there wasn't any light. She became confused. The things that once seemed to make sense did no longer. So she decided to search again for the window with the light, where it seemed safe. As she looked, she grew tired.

She walked for so long and finally to her surprise she came to the window. The light wasn't too strong for her eyes. She could actually look into the window. But when she was able to look in, she was astonished at what she saw. The window was a mirror and the light she saw was herself. Suddenly it was familiar, she became aware of what she was. But now that she knew, she was sad. For the light had become so dim.

The Door

2008-07-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Now that she knew what to do, she began to walk again only this time with fervor and intensity. Things became clear. The things that once didn’t make sense now were vivid and defined. Every step was full of power…it wasn’t like before. The spirit so strong and vast it took over and stretched beyond understanding as it lengthened, the wisdom grew. The path was now so visible that the previous brilliance seemed small.

As she continued, she saw a door in the distance. It was clear but very far off. It was open but unreachable. She was determined to reach the door. She began to run very fast. She spoke in her mind to help bring her closer. She ran for so long she became tired. She stopped to rest and closed her eyes. Time seemed to stop. She began to think of a way to reach the door. She thought that maybe if she walked fast for many days she could reach it eventually but she didn’t want to wait. Many thoughts came to mind and everything was so real but she then fell asleep and began to dream…..

She saw the door in the clouds. She was so happy that she began to sing and when she did the most amazing thing happened, the music took the form of a river and poured out and soared towards the door and went inside. As she sang the river became so vast, she couldn’t stop it and didn’t want it to stop. As the river grew she felt an immeasurable love, once familiar. She was so full of happiness because she finally knew….

As she awoke to a familiar voice, "it’s nothing like before"...she finally knew how to reach the door.

Whatever It Takes

2008-07-30T20:36:00.004-07:00

Confusion rattles my mind. Too many things to determine. Just standstill for a moment and consider. Now, stop thinking and remember. Love is how we understand each other. All of the concealment will unravel. But you know me, remember? I will stop at nothing to remind you. When you find yourself spinning, overtaken with mindless meandering. Just standstill for a moment and consider. Now, stop thinking and remember.

When you feel lost and experience emptiness, let me deliver you. Why all of the obstacles? So absolute, so powerful, I assure you. What do you realize about love? I do whatever it takes for you to grasp. Just standstill for a moment and consider. Now, stop thinking and remember. While confusion invades your thoughts and it wraps around and flees. Although heartache has grabbed hold of you and you wait for a turn daily. When that rope that you find yourself swinging on becomes a thin string. Just standstill for a moment and consider. Now, stop thinking and remember.

I will keep doing whatever it takes to call to your mind the love I have for you. You appear to have forgotten but I can taste the day you remember. Please don't let fear from all sides conquer your discernment. Do something for me, go the distance and breathe. Look up, I see you. Take another breath, smile and know that I am holding you. I will do whatever it takes for you to remember the love that we share.

Perfectly Flawed

2008-07-30T20:36:00.003-07:00

Not perfect by any means.
Adrift in a mind of wonders.
Brokenness obscurely veiled.
Smiling so beautifully suffering.
Aching with boldness inside.
The absent colors surround.
Submersed in a sea of shades.
A lamp so radiant it enrages.
Despised because of the love.
Tear me apart some more.
I am ripe for tomorrow again.
Built to endure brokenness.
Created with perfect flaws.
Too silent and too colorful.
Mind too full to undergo again.
Absorbing every moment.
So unusual it startles you.
Never unnatural around you.
Passionately color blinded.
Traveling down a desolate road.
Never to run across you there.
Isolated in this desire it seems.
Preparing a heart for you.
No sense to gaze this way.
Perfectly flawed in every way.

Take This Heart

2008-07-30T20:36:00.001-07:00

Please take this heart and stop its beats.
Unravel the pain that has been woven.
Please take back the cuts and bruises.
All the sorrow and aching pulses.
The scars covered up in layers.
Swallowing down the pain that creeps up.
It burns holes in my neck and throbs.

Please take this heart of mine.
It does me no good to feel this way.
I rendered it to you but you gave it back.
This burden is too heavy for me.
My feet are heavy and I wander slowly.
It beats rapidly out of my chest.

All these things I don't want or need.
You have no interest in this heart of mine.
Despite all the times I've told you.
It beats for you to live and love.
You never looked back to capture it.
Why must I have this heart of mine.
It does me no good to be without you.

This heart is tired of being wounded.
Please come and take this heart away.
I am tired of carrying it for you.
I never wanted to live this aching feeling.
I didn't give you permission to shape me.
You tore it up and bruised it.
You gave it back with missing pieces.

Every second that goes by It cries out.
Please take this heart back that you changed.
It absorbs the far-reaching sky and fills up.
It overflows with weeps and wailing.
It is too full to carry anything more.
It tries to break out and moans for release.
Please take this heart away from me.

Understood

2008-07-30T20:35:00.002-07:00

I understand your frustration! Do I hear a bit of "over the top" protruding bitterness or just a smidge of unforgiveness? I stand to correct and unleash an uttermost and absolute outburst of strength and courage. I feel redefined and enlightened in the midst of the sorrow and pain. No love can be complete or understood without the first hand knowledge and experience of sorrow and pain.

This generation of souls are making changes so rapidly...if we had the time to stop and see. There are two sides to this story...No one can be blamed for the decisions that we make. People can find someone to blame all day but in the end...it comes down to the cold and bitter heart or the soft and gentle love.

These abrasive tones that words project reach beyond a distant cloud and goes even further and is heard. A soft and sweet sound, a voice, comes back and speaks.

Absolutely is the time to finally live again.

Blind Eyes

2008-07-30T20:35:00.001-07:00

The blind eyes are tired and weak. The blackness blocks the soul and the heart weeps. The little things most important of all are too small for some to see....and for others no time is taken. There is a deep need for the box of glass to be shattered. We need peace of mind. The past is like a chain around the throat for those who live in fear...fear of love...fear of forgiveness..and fear of looking in the mirror. You must let it be break and walk up straight and be who you were meant to be....broken from the chains and alive again. That decision must be made to stand tall and make the right choice...and when you fall get up again. We don't know what's best for us only him who speaks, it is our choice to listen. Someone once told me that I hide behind love. In a sense, that is absolutely right. Although, I am not hiding. He is hiding me. And, yes He is love. So this means, I am in him. And by this, I am surrounded by Love. What would this mean? Everything. While many don't see the little yet vast important details. The little meaningless things are consuming everything. This life is gone in a blink and when you arrive after this life...what will you find? That you spent most of your time doing? When all the while you were loved and turned your face...in what seemed like a moment and you blink. That moment has become forever.....

I didn’t want to know

2008-07-30T20:34:00.001-07:00

I don't want to know

The pain that you are feeling.

You are so special.

The world didn't take time for you.

You tried to explain.

You didn't know what words to use.

You cried many nights..like a baby.

I don't want to know

The pain that you were feeling.

You were so special.

The world treated you wrong.

You didn't say anything.

You bottled it up.

You cried many nights.

I didn't want to know

You left so quickly.

You shined like a star.

They didn't understand you.

You just thought quietly.

You needed love.

You got pain.

I didn't want to know

your pain.

R.I.P. Roy

I Am Not Shaken

2008-07-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

I am not shaken by your words.
They have no authority over me.
I persevere and ascend beside love.
He welcomes me at every element.
This realm he has conquered as I will.
The love envelops me and I bear.
This being you cannot match.
My core longs not because of you.
My spirit loves more than it sees.
Don't you understand that your utters are dead?
I am bolder than I was a second ago.
The affliction made me sturdy.
The abuse and harm made me love.
Your strategy fell awfully short.
You presume to identify who I am.
You have witnessed nothing yet.
My support will ambush you again.
Everytime you trigger the dismay.
I will release you afresh and anew.
With greater force than before.
Eventually you will hunt me out.
But the fright will be yours apart.
It is my gaze you will scurry from.
Just a single promise is all it takes.
Yes that voice you have met.
The tongue that weakens your empty bones.
You tremble with fury and abomination.
But never again will I be shaken.
My roots are set on stone.
I do not desire to test anything.
The age is nearby in the heavens.
We will be face to face again.
You will plummet without end as I wait.
I am interceded for every instance.
Surrender as I am not shaken.

You Will Remember

2008-07-30T20:32:00.002-07:00

You will remember what I've said. I tried so hard to let you know.
You still have time to make it right. Don't throw it away.
Your life is important. I am by your side. Those nights you can
hear me tell you, it will be okay. Just walk with me.
Let me take the pain.
You will remember what I've said. The day will come when you
will remember. I don't want you to have regrets. Please hear me.
Love understands suffering. I understand you. I have pain constantly
for you. If you let me hold you, I can turn the pain into love.
Pain and love are so closely tied together. Just hear me.
You will remember what I've said. You can't make it alone.
Your own strength will not last. Let me be your strength.
I will renew you. You will see in a different light, a different world.
One day it will make sense. You will see me. I can't bare to lose you.
I gave everything for you, even my life. I would do it again if I had to.
But, no need. It's already done. Once for all. Enough to cover all.
You will remember what I've said. I try so hard to tell you.
I know you hear me. I know it's painful, I've endured it also.
Again, and again, I endure it.
With you.

You will remember.

I Know

2008-07-30T20:32:00.001-07:00

No explanation is needed.
I know you beyond reason.
Please see within my voice.
Thunderous words shake the unwordly.
You are extraordinary and beautiful.
I know the warfare you face daily.
Your heart is generous and weeps.
Please don't neglect your own spirit.
Your flesh attempts to take command.
You hunger and thirst for strength.
Be delivered from this place.
Your power is conditional.
Cry out for strength from above.
Love cries out to you and for you.
I know your heart, no explanation.
No misunderstandings, inspiration.
Your sight is clear but the fight is hard.
Your heart is good, your flesh is weak.
There is a time and place for everything.
You will know at the time of this place.
Hear the wind blow in the seasons.
You are loved, I know.

No More Fear

2008-07-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

No more fear anymore. No more fear.
Can't you see, it doesn't matter if your there.
My spirit comes from his magnificence.
You can no longer feed anymore here.
I have developed and become strong.
Surrounded by the darkness, no matter.
The light engulfs me and floods through.
Those who are ready will receive.
Yes, I do see you in the shadows.
I don't need permission for you to leave.
But you cannot surprise me anymore.
I am no longer enslaved in that cage.
I have been delivered free by love.
The fear that is you, the black hollow eyes,
The cold grey flesh that I once touched.
I am sorry for you. You have lost.
The choice, why did you choose?
But fear is what you walk in everyday.
The darkness consumed you a many days
I am sorry for you. You cannot have me.
Nothing can separate me from his love.
I looked you in the eyes face to face.
You didn't even move an inch.
The fear you thought to give me,
belongs to no one else but you.
Your power is nonexistent to me.
You distract and suggest evil things.
It isn't even the evil itself that matters.
It's about the love that will diminish it all.
I will make it home with no more fear.
No more fear at all.

My Aching Soul

2008-07-30T20:30:00.002-07:00

It boils over and out it comes.
Understanding comes in time.
The empty space fills regardless.
It reaches such a vast distance.
The life extends further breaking borders.
The light screams for your brokenness.
It cries an unceasing howl.
Recognizing the thirsty soul.
An unexplainable exhilarated sadness.
It aches to be in the same breath.
Trying to get through to you.
Never letting go of you.
It endures with infinite assurance.
Uninterrupted and diligently loves.

Open Space

2008-07-30T20:30:00.001-07:00

Gray skies in front of me.
Blue shining through.
I soared as darkness came.
Lifted me up to you.
No longer in control.
Held me up with your little finger.
Rivers rushing through me.
No need to see.
Overwelming and taking over.
Shooting stars of living water.
Love so powerful I can't explain.
Just a slight taste filled me.
Changed me, made me.
Came back again differently.
I'm set in the beautiful colors.
The impossible layers.
Focused and clear now.
Tingling side effects.
Can't walk just learning.
Brought back a piece of this..
Love filled open space.

Searching For You

2008-07-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

The light flickers and I struggle to keep the flame.
I can feel your spirit despite your space.
I discern that you remember me frequently.
You strenuously look the other way.
Why such loathing or senselessness concerning me.
Is it me? Or is it who I am? No explanation?
All I did was reveal passion to your sightless vision.
I behold your countenance. You are isolated and unresponsive.
You wander apart from your flame.
I persevere in my search for you but to no avail.
You pretend to reside buried away from me.
I will never cut-off my approaching embrace to you...
as I remain searching for you.

Downward Spiral Staircase

2008-07-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

You look down at the ground.
The light shimmers off your face.
You are a light surrounded by dark.
Your beauty is unexplainable.
Everywhere I look I see your face.
As I awake, you disappear from me.
As you look down, I see you.
I stare and hope you see my reflection.
As you look downward you see nothing.
I try to lift your face up with my eyes.
You let the sadness consume you.
As I cry for you to see beyond the clouds.
With your hands tucked away.
No sense of emotion you show.
As your pain flourishes the emptiness grows.
The wind blows on your face.
You feel it blow by as you turn away.
As you walk further away and apart from me.
You walk a downward spiral staircase.
It seems easier for you to walk this way.
Your feet feel heavy as you try to lift each step.
If you are so afraid of me, why not turn around?
Walk upward from that downward place.

Why?

2008-07-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

Why such a degree of separation?
So far away so much further from me.
The fire still a blaze within me.
Never to rest as it absorbs me.
Every time you meet that sky.
I am ablaze yet the world shifts.
The day fluctuates against me.
Can you standstill the rain?

Why can't you anticipate me?
The blues, grays, corals, greens.
Colors luminate against your soul.
You wander facing the dusk.
I witness you roaming, flowing elsewhere.
Please don't run after evasion.
Can you postpone please...?

Why don't you overhear me?
The tender tongue and wounded echo,
sharpness collides with your heart.
You appear to go deaf as I wail.
Don't you detect the storm in the tranquil.
Urgent crowded stinging complacency.
Can you consider me...?

Why don't you recognize me?
That void that you explore to occupy.
The private land that you neglect.
Is it unreasonable to cherish you...
My life is in front of you waiting.
You should yearn what I ache.
Can you unclose your eyes?

I know you exclusively.
I strive to supply love to the hollow,
but me you dismiss.
You attain and out it projects.
The others suffer it and anguish sobs.
If you could just let love inside.
You would be engrossed in brilliance.
The world would standstill and contemplate you.
Why can't you undertake life?

Why?

Dangerous Eyes

2008-07-30T20:26:00.002-07:00

My feet capable and I envision.
I consider a choice and tones whisper.
Why in this stronghold need I be?
The eyes investigate me and the moment stops.
Dangerous my eyes are.
Please don't stare my way.
You will not comprehend what you follow.
Illumination streams aloud yet the night wrestles.
Strolling afoot endlessly.
The roaring noise and provoking unrest.
I pursue to no close to bring you to light.
Why do you smuggle yourself?
The world so selfish around me.
I can feel the ocean run.
I picture you in the colors.
I gasp in the massive radiance.
With every footprint bring screams.
In case you think of me approaching,
don't await me.
If I invade you, please disregard.
You won't accept me.
Just experience my swiftness.
The force moves me boundless.
I am stretched beyond that mountain of yours.
As I glance around,
please don't come across my dangerous eyes...
inside you, I maintain.
If you accidentally meet me,
don't face me.
You don't want to understand me.
Stay secure where you are.
In your world you breathe.
If you want your universe everywhere,
in case you want to understand me,
this place is unfamiliar.
Suppose you want to know something unusual.
Be careful of my dangerous eyes.

As You Stare

2008-07-30T20:26:00.001-07:00

You endure apart and picture.
The memories never quit running.
Your spirit suffers with affliction.
You have torn yourself down considerably.
Destruction has come upon you with intensity.
Choose to stop the condemnation.
Please stop beating yourself into descent.
You are not so hardened.
Truly you are glorious.
You stay surrounded by desolation.
As you allow the pain possession of you,
struggling to disturb yourself from it.
But then you run across awakening.
Sense me remaining beside you.
You must rearrange to witness variation.
You have to uncover your heart.
Don't cut off your passion.
You are reflected upon in great numbers.
You hold an abundance of gifts.
You are so beautiful.
Love is the only resolution.
I mourn for your heart.
Know that I am here,
as you stare.

My Love

2008-07-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

My love recites in rhythms.
Wide open the door.
Open hands reaching upward.
Surrounding become one.
I hear a song, just one rings.
The world so small in comparison.
Nothing can separate me.
So powerful, so right.
The connection so strong.
Smiling from the inside out.
Reaching upward to feel closer.
Tears running down my face.
It overwhelms my physical being.
Never changes, just strengthens.
If it takes forever, I will reach you.
Fills the desert, covers the land.
Will do anything for you.
Seek after me, find me.
Extend it to me, I receive it.
Change me and grow me.
Never to die. My Love.